I can certainly see the appeal of social pressure/the potential reward of better social standing for sticking a long-term goal through.
That is not really what motivates me. It’s that when I work on something alone, I feel lonely. If I can talk about it to other people, I don’t. Also, I find it easier to focus on things when I can talk about them.
I feel that I am expected to bail by default
Expected… by yourself, or by others? For example, I find talking to some people helpful, but talking to some people harmful.
One way some people can disappoint me as talking partners is when they immediately start predicting that I will fail. “You always talk about doing things, but you never finish any of them. This time it is certainly not going to be any different.” This hurts in two ways: on one hand, because it is uncomfortably close to truth; let’s say that I finish maybe 1 out of 20 things that I start doing. On the other hand, because it is literally false; I actually do finish 1 out of 20 things that I start doing, and I always hope that this is going to be the one, or that the ratio will start improving.
A glass 5% full is still not the same as empty! I may feel on most of days like a loser, but sometimes I look back and see an accumulated record of successes. If I told someone only about the successes, and not a word about the failures, they might actually consider me impressive. And when we look from outside at others, isn’t this kind of filtered view that we usually see? Both of these perspectives can be true simultaneously. I had to learn to stop talking to people who are predictably negative. (Which is different from betting. Yes, when I start a project, I would rationally bet that this project will probably fail. But the point is that some things are worth trying even if the probability of success is smaller than 50%.)
Another way of disappointing me is when the other person tries to takes ownership of my project. When they start giving unsolicited advice, and then get defensive when I don’t accept it, often because they completely misunderstand my motivation for the project (am I doing this for myself, or for others? do I want to achieve a specific goal, or to practice a specific skill? which parts of the project are the ones that I am looking forwards to do, and which are the annoying parts that I simply need to overcome?).
What I need instead is someone who would listen, be gently encouraging, maybe give an idea or two, but be perfectly okay with me saying no. Basically, something like a (Rogerian) psychologist. Someone who would remind me of what I said yesterday or a week ago, but would not express disapproval if I failed to do that or changed my mind. Shortly, positive motivation, not negative. Celebration of success (and partial progress), rather than fear of failure. Removing the pressure, rather than increasing it.
That is not really what motivates me. It’s that when I work on something alone, I feel lonely. If I can talk about it to other people, I don’t. Also, I find it easier to focus on things when I can talk about them.
Expected… by yourself, or by others? For example, I find talking to some people helpful, but talking to some people harmful.
One way some people can disappoint me as talking partners is when they immediately start predicting that I will fail. “You always talk about doing things, but you never finish any of them. This time it is certainly not going to be any different.” This hurts in two ways: on one hand, because it is uncomfortably close to truth; let’s say that I finish maybe 1 out of 20 things that I start doing. On the other hand, because it is literally false; I actually do finish 1 out of 20 things that I start doing, and I always hope that this is going to be the one, or that the ratio will start improving.
A glass 5% full is still not the same as empty! I may feel on most of days like a loser, but sometimes I look back and see an accumulated record of successes. If I told someone only about the successes, and not a word about the failures, they might actually consider me impressive. And when we look from outside at others, isn’t this kind of filtered view that we usually see? Both of these perspectives can be true simultaneously. I had to learn to stop talking to people who are predictably negative. (Which is different from betting. Yes, when I start a project, I would rationally bet that this project will probably fail. But the point is that some things are worth trying even if the probability of success is smaller than 50%.)
Another way of disappointing me is when the other person tries to takes ownership of my project. When they start giving unsolicited advice, and then get defensive when I don’t accept it, often because they completely misunderstand my motivation for the project (am I doing this for myself, or for others? do I want to achieve a specific goal, or to practice a specific skill? which parts of the project are the ones that I am looking forwards to do, and which are the annoying parts that I simply need to overcome?).
What I need instead is someone who would listen, be gently encouraging, maybe give an idea or two, but be perfectly okay with me saying no. Basically, something like a (Rogerian) psychologist. Someone who would remind me of what I said yesterday or a week ago, but would not express disapproval if I failed to do that or changed my mind. Shortly, positive motivation, not negative. Celebration of success (and partial progress), rather than fear of failure. Removing the pressure, rather than increasing it.