My partner and I have for a good while used a similar approach, and so I do generally agree. I thought I would also add some of my thoughts on where it hasn’t quite worked as planned, or where we stumbled across limitations.
We have both experienced various degrees of trauma, including attachment-trauma, and there seems to be some aspects that are more easily “healed” than others. And it makes sense that the more extensive the trauma(s), the more issues crop up. For example, picturing a loving mother; I do not picture loving as in unconditionally, but “loving” as in strictly conditional. But since that is the “love” I grew up with, that is also what my body craves and is used to. I have even, wrongfully, believed I am unconditionally loving, and it isn’t really that easy to spot.
In this sense, we discovered that we had parts that weren’t really “ours”. There is still a lot of exploration to be done, but the two hypotheses are either that in a very deficient and lacking environment, we had to fill in the blanks with regard to a functioning inner climate, and these blanks were based on examples that aren’t very healthy. Or, that similar to a parasite, ways of seeing and understanding the world were “instilled” into us, forcefully, to ensure compliance and to make us feel more “okay”/”confused” about the neglect and trauma. Whatever the case, it isn’t so much that we can’t develop self-love or even self-leadership, but more that the faculties with which we see/experience the world are skewed towards a self-perpetuating, self- and other-damaging way of feeling/seeing. Love might equal some kind of emotional slavery, and leadership some kind of forced labor. It doesn’t feel wrong, it might even look like a useful strategy, a healthy choice or a way towards connection and a good relationship—but sadly, it is not. It is succumbing to the numbing terror of the poison wrecking havoc on many parts of the system, where even the “Self” doesn’t seem spared.
The kind of fundamental challenge healing has been for us, is not like putting out the fire in a house, but trying to put out a wildfire with a garden hose. We have had to, and still are, wary of the all too present possibility of you getting so used to the fire, that it becomes a normality, similarly to how drinking water when you are thirsty feels pleasant, so can letting some fires simply continue burning, or even spread them, feel soothing, relaxing or even self-loving.
From experience, it seems that the layers and bundles of grief, pain and suffering that are hidden beneath the poison cumulates into a kind of cocktail, a cocktail which charms you into believing that letting things be, is the right choice. And even using self-leadership and self-love can become toxic, even when it isn’t so in and by itself.
To me, at least, it seems that even the “Self”, the part which is the highest developed and functioning, the true Ich, can still be corrupted. Maybe that isn’t the case for everyone, but to me, it has been important to acknowledge that fact. Without doing so, it wasn’t possibly to start working on more extensive deprogramming.
This comment isn’t to warn against anything you have written, nor is it to give any feedback. It is more a way to acknowledge our road to healing, and also I guess as a nod to others who read this and might feel the same way: That even when the process is similar, and uses similar tools, the damage can be much more extensive, be more hard to heal and take much, much longer to get to where there are some actual fire poppies sprouting from the still smoky, charred soil.
Sprouting the seeds of kindness, gentleness, curiosity, understanding and compassion needs not only time, but usually other people. And it doesn’t feel great, rewarding or as some kind of happy occurrence where the stars align, when they start to sprout. No, it is more the transition between being terribly ill for a long time, and then slowly getting better. It becomes clear as day which is the direction you truly want to go in, and which is the one you are healing from. Even when the experience is laden with a sobering and grief-laden tint, as you start to feel all that which you haven’t had the energy to feel, whilst battling the illness.
Hello,
My partner and I have for a good while used a similar approach, and so I do generally agree. I thought I would also add some of my thoughts on where it hasn’t quite worked as planned, or where we stumbled across limitations.
We have both experienced various degrees of trauma, including attachment-trauma, and there seems to be some aspects that are more easily “healed” than others. And it makes sense that the more extensive the trauma(s), the more issues crop up. For example, picturing a loving mother; I do not picture loving as in unconditionally, but “loving” as in strictly conditional. But since that is the “love” I grew up with, that is also what my body craves and is used to.
I have even, wrongfully, believed I am unconditionally loving, and it isn’t really that easy to spot.
In this sense, we discovered that we had parts that weren’t really “ours”. There is still a lot of exploration to be done, but the two hypotheses are either that in a very deficient and lacking environment, we had to fill in the blanks with regard to a functioning inner climate, and these blanks were based on examples that aren’t very healthy. Or, that similar to a parasite, ways of seeing and understanding the world were “instilled” into us, forcefully, to ensure compliance and to make us feel more “okay”/”confused” about the neglect and trauma.
Whatever the case, it isn’t so much that we can’t develop self-love or even self-leadership, but more that the faculties with which we see/experience the world are skewed towards a self-perpetuating, self- and other-damaging way of feeling/seeing.
Love might equal some kind of emotional slavery, and leadership some kind of forced labor. It doesn’t feel wrong, it might even look like a useful strategy, a healthy choice or a way towards connection and a good relationship—but sadly, it is not. It is succumbing to the numbing terror of the poison wrecking havoc on many parts of the system, where even the “Self” doesn’t seem spared.
The kind of fundamental challenge healing has been for us, is not like putting out the fire in a house, but trying to put out a wildfire with a garden hose. We have had to, and still are, wary of the all too present possibility of you getting so used to the fire, that it becomes a normality, similarly to how drinking water when you are thirsty feels pleasant, so can letting some fires simply continue burning, or even spread them, feel soothing, relaxing or even self-loving.
From experience, it seems that the layers and bundles of grief, pain and suffering that are hidden beneath the poison cumulates into a kind of cocktail, a cocktail which charms you into believing that letting things be, is the right choice. And even using self-leadership and self-love can become toxic, even when it isn’t so in and by itself.
To me, at least, it seems that even the “Self”, the part which is the highest developed and functioning, the true Ich, can still be corrupted. Maybe that isn’t the case for everyone, but to me, it has been important to acknowledge that fact. Without doing so, it wasn’t possibly to start working on more extensive deprogramming.
This comment isn’t to warn against anything you have written, nor is it to give any feedback. It is more a way to acknowledge our road to healing, and also I guess as a nod to others who read this and might feel the same way:
That even when the process is similar, and uses similar tools, the damage can be much more extensive, be more hard to heal and take much, much longer to get to where there are some actual fire poppies sprouting from the still smoky, charred soil.
Sprouting the seeds of kindness, gentleness, curiosity, understanding and compassion needs not only time, but usually other people. And it doesn’t feel great, rewarding or as some kind of happy occurrence where the stars align, when they start to sprout. No, it is more the transition between being terribly ill for a long time, and then slowly getting better. It becomes clear as day which is the direction you truly want to go in, and which is the one you are healing from. Even when the experience is laden with a sobering and grief-laden tint, as you start to feel all that which you haven’t had the energy to feel, whilst battling the illness.
Wish everyone the best.
Kindly,
Caerulea-Lawrence