So when I get zero feedback of any kind for an utterance, my impulse is to repeat it, perhaps in different words, until someone reacts, but by then the reaction often seems to be annoyed. So this is obviously suboptimal, but I need to be able to distinguish between “I am inaudible/incomprehensible” and “my utterance has been deemed valueless”. (Ideally I’d be able to tell why my utterances have been deemed valueless but that’s a secondary issue.)
Fortunately it is a no-lose situation. The people who are going to be annoyed by the repetition are those that heard you the first time and deemed your words valueless. And those people sound like assholes with poor judgement so who cares what they think?
Obviously having a lack of social power in a context changes the optimal signalling strategy. All sorts of self sabotage can become necessary by way of a tithe. This especially applies if you are not able (or willing) to navigate the social world in such a way as to work with bosses who respect you.
When it comes to dealing with equals—strangers, potential friends the attitude that must be overcome is that of holding yourself back for fear of annoying someone who doesn’t even like you anyway and who you don’t need to impress. Optimise your interaction for those that you most care about and err on the side of assuming that they care what you have to say.
The default state of most people is to be too hesitant, too willing to walk on eggshells. One of the greatest benefits to trying things that have potential benefit but also potential to be annoying is that it is the best way to find out. Doubts don’t help you, experience does. And annoying someone slightly doesn’t usually have the dire long term consequences our instincts warn us of.
I use the attitude you’re talking about, call it forthrightness, as a filter to find people that I might want to be friends with. Anyone that stays in my personal sphere is someone I do not have to worry about offending when I want to relax. It has led me to be rather abrasive, I suspect, but also comfortable.
To be clear, I’m talking about opinions and preferences here, not body language or the social norms that regulate groups. I think of someone that pretends to have an opinion/preference that they don’t have naturally as wearing a mask of sorts. I don’t like masks.
This is why I don’t like the manipulative tactics of pick-up artistry. There is a distinct difference between someone trying to become more able socially, and someone that tries to mirror your beliefs, preferences, and opinions in order to manipulate you. Learning to express yourself doesn’t repel me the way masks and PUA do.
Fortunately it is a no-lose situation. The people who are going to be annoyed by the repetition are those that heard you the first time and deemed your words valueless. And those people sound like assholes with poor judgement so who cares what they think?
You do, that’s who. If that person is your boss or a colleague you must work with, you must overcome that attitude or fail.
Obviously having a lack of social power in a context changes the optimal signalling strategy. All sorts of self sabotage can become necessary by way of a tithe. This especially applies if you are not able (or willing) to navigate the social world in such a way as to work with bosses who respect you.
When it comes to dealing with equals—strangers, potential friends the attitude that must be overcome is that of holding yourself back for fear of annoying someone who doesn’t even like you anyway and who you don’t need to impress. Optimise your interaction for those that you most care about and err on the side of assuming that they care what you have to say.
The default state of most people is to be too hesitant, too willing to walk on eggshells. One of the greatest benefits to trying things that have potential benefit but also potential to be annoying is that it is the best way to find out. Doubts don’t help you, experience does. And annoying someone slightly doesn’t usually have the dire long term consequences our instincts warn us of.
I use the attitude you’re talking about, call it forthrightness, as a filter to find people that I might want to be friends with. Anyone that stays in my personal sphere is someone I do not have to worry about offending when I want to relax. It has led me to be rather abrasive, I suspect, but also comfortable.
To be clear, I’m talking about opinions and preferences here, not body language or the social norms that regulate groups. I think of someone that pretends to have an opinion/preference that they don’t have naturally as wearing a mask of sorts. I don’t like masks.
This is why I don’t like the manipulative tactics of pick-up artistry. There is a distinct difference between someone trying to become more able socially, and someone that tries to mirror your beliefs, preferences, and opinions in order to manipulate you. Learning to express yourself doesn’t repel me the way masks and PUA do.