I think this was a pretty interesting post, articulating a way of relating to yourself that I think many people aspire to, and indeed, some live this way. I think it was written more concretely than most others who attempt to say such things, which I appreciate (and I think concreteness is a virtue). At the same time I find myself having some pretty negative feelings reading a lot of these paragraphs, and this is very different to how I relate to myself. I’ll point to a few differences.
When states of the world directly impact your perceived self-worth, it can be really scary to see the world as it is. Some examples: a kid who wants to be a writer and cannot admit that she made a spelling mistake; my aversion to studying AI safety because doing that puts me in contact with the fact that I don’t know that much and hence that I’m worthless.
It seems to me that the state of the world should directly impact your self-worth. How much your self is worth is a fact about the world, and certainly not a free variable you just get to pick as-convenient. When someone won’t admit that they’re failing at a key writing skill because it would clash with their identity as a writer, insofar as that was their identity, the correct answer is not that it’s okay because you can love yourself whoever you are. In this framework, I think it is closer to (if the skill is actually necessary) that you risk losing the person you love. You’ll get to be a different person later, but you still grieve the loss.
Take a second to imagine the love you might feel towards a newborn child or a cute animal. They probably haven’t done anything to ‘earn’ your love; they might even be acting unskillfully (admittedly, I don’t know what a skilful baby looks like). But you might love them anyway. Self-love feels quite like that for me: unconditional, newborn love.
Neither of us are newborns, and we both should hold ourselves to higher standards than that. We’re both adults, and I do not have unconditional love for adults.
I think it’s an interesting corrective, to check how you’d relate to yourself if you saw everyone as children (and in some respects perhaps we all are — e.g. from the perspective of people who may live 10,000 years from now who are wiser and stronger), and notice if there are ways you’re being unnecessarily harsh or disrespectful to yourself. Still; I strive to be more than that.
a heuristic for self-love is that you feel like you’re walking around with someone you have a crush on
...I would rather walk around as though I am with a person capable of great things, who is currently blundering his way through life, but if he manages to get on track then (perhaps later on in the story) he will be able to substantially change the course of history for the better. I would rather walk around with such a person than a person who I have a crush on!
I think whether I view this attitude toward oneself as healthy depends a lot on whether it motivates people who have it to strive to accomplish very difficult and strenuous things, or whether it supports them taking it easy and being satisfied with themselves the way they currently are. I suspect it leans far too far toward the latter for my taste; I do not remotely have a crush on myself, and wish I were stronger in many ways and not so weak in others.
Energy: Part of this is fighting myself less, which includes less suffering-based motivation and internal conflict. Freeing up those resources has been astonishingly powerful for me. Part is not needing to invest emotional resources into trying and needing to feel loved, because I have a wellspring within.
I think that insofar as this gives you more energy that is a broadly pretty positive sign to me.
I’m reminded of Nate Soares’ writings on Replacing Guilt. He writes that it’s you that cares about your goals, that wants to become stronger or save the world. Those things that you actually care about won’t go away with more self-love; what changes is your strategy for pursuing them. You no longer pursue things in order to feel worthwhile, but simply because you want to.
I think this is a pretty strong reason. But I don’t think you have to think that you’re so brilliant that you’ve formed a romantic crush on yourself in order to do things simply because you want to.
You can just do things because you want to.
Perhaps this is a big enough problem that people should focus on not having terribly low self-worth first, but I resonate more with Eliezer Yudkowsky’s line on when to solve your personal issues before getting on with the things you want.
Your annual reminder that you don’t need to resolve your issues, you don’t need to deal with your emotional baggage, you don’t need to process your trauma, you don’t need to confront your past, you don’t need to figure yourself out, you can just go ahead and do the thing.
I think this was a pretty interesting post, articulating a way of relating to yourself that I think many people aspire to, and indeed, some live this way. I think it was written more concretely than most others who attempt to say such things, which I appreciate (and I think concreteness is a virtue). At the same time I find myself having some pretty negative feelings reading a lot of these paragraphs, and this is very different to how I relate to myself. I’ll point to a few differences.
It seems to me that the state of the world should directly impact your self-worth. How much your self is worth is a fact about the world, and certainly not a free variable you just get to pick as-convenient. When someone won’t admit that they’re failing at a key writing skill because it would clash with their identity as a writer, insofar as that was their identity, the correct answer is not that it’s okay because you can love yourself whoever you are. In this framework, I think it is closer to (if the skill is actually necessary) that you risk losing the person you love. You’ll get to be a different person later, but you still grieve the loss.
Neither of us are newborns, and we both should hold ourselves to higher standards than that. We’re both adults, and I do not have unconditional love for adults.
I think it’s an interesting corrective, to check how you’d relate to yourself if you saw everyone as children (and in some respects perhaps we all are — e.g. from the perspective of people who may live 10,000 years from now who are wiser and stronger), and notice if there are ways you’re being unnecessarily harsh or disrespectful to yourself. Still; I strive to be more than that.
...I would rather walk around as though I am with a person capable of great things, who is currently blundering his way through life, but if he manages to get on track then (perhaps later on in the story) he will be able to substantially change the course of history for the better. I would rather walk around with such a person than a person who I have a crush on!
I think whether I view this attitude toward oneself as healthy depends a lot on whether it motivates people who have it to strive to accomplish very difficult and strenuous things, or whether it supports them taking it easy and being satisfied with themselves the way they currently are. I suspect it leans far too far toward the latter for my taste; I do not remotely have a crush on myself, and wish I were stronger in many ways and not so weak in others.
I think that insofar as this gives you more energy that is a broadly pretty positive sign to me.
I think this is a pretty strong reason. But I don’t think you have to think that you’re so brilliant that you’ve formed a romantic crush on yourself in order to do things simply because you want to.
You can just do things because you want to.
Perhaps this is a big enough problem that people should focus on not having terribly low self-worth first, but I resonate more with Eliezer Yudkowsky’s line on when to solve your personal issues before getting on with the things you want.
What a beautiful illustration of how a Humanist’s worldview differs from a Cousin’s!