In particular, you sound [...] extremely unwilling to entertain the idea that you were wrong, or that any potential improvement might need to come from you.
you don’t seem to consider the idea that maybe you were more in a position to improve than he was.
Perhaps you’re trying to point at something that I’m missing, but from my point of view, sentences like “I’d love to say “and I’ve identified the source of the problem and successfully addressed it”, but I don’t think I have” and “would I have been living up to my conversational ideals (significantly) better, if I’d said [...]” are intended indicators that I believe there’s significant room for me to improve, and that I have desire to improve.
At to be clear: I think that there is significant room for improvement for me here, and I desire to improve.
(And for the record: I have put a decent amount of effort towards improving, with some success.)
(And for the record: I don’t recall any instances of getting frustrated-in-the-way-that-turntrout-and-KurtB-are-recounting with Thomas Kwa, or any of Vivek’s team, as I think is a decent amount of evidence about those improvements, given how much time I spent working with them. (Which isn’t to say they didn’t have other discomforts!))
If the issue is on the meta level and that you don’t want to spend time on these problems, a valid answer could be saying “Okay, what do you need to solve this problem without my input?”. Then it could be a discussion about discretionary budget, about the amount of initiative you expect him to have with his job, about asking why he didn’t feel comfortable making these buying decisions right away, etc.
This reply wouldn’t have quite suited me, because Kurt didn’t report to me, and (if memory serves) we’d already been having some issues of the form “can you solve this by using your own initiative, or by spending modest amounts of money”. And (if memory serves) I had already tried to communicate that these weren’t the sorts of conversations I wanted to be having.
(I totally agree that his manager should have had a discussion about discretionary budget and initiative, and to probe why he didn’t feel comfortable making those buying decisions right away. He was not my direct report.)
Like, the context (if I recall correctly, which I might not at 6ish years remove) wasn’t that I called Kurt to ask him what had happened, nor that we were having some sort of general meeting in which he brought up this point. (Again: he didn’t report to me.) The context is that I was already late from walking my commute, sweaty from changing a bike tire, and Kurt came up and was like “Hey, sorry to hear your tire popped. I couldn’t figure out how to use your pump”, in a tone that parsed to me as someone begging pardon and indicating that he was about to ask me how to use one, a conversation that I did not want to be in at that moment and that seemed to me like a new instance of a repeating issue.
Your only takeaway from this issue was “he was wrong and he could have obviously solved it watching a 5 minutes youtube tutorial,
Nope!
I did (and still do) believe that this was an indication that Kurt wasn’t up to the challenge that the ops team was (at that time) undertaking, of seeing if they could make people’s lives easier by doing annoying little tasks for them.
It’s not obvious to me that he could have solved it with a 5 minute youtube tutorial; for all I know it would have taken him hours.
(Where the argument here is not “hours of his time are worth minutes of mine”; I don’t really think in those terms despite how everyone else seems to want to; I’d think more in terms of “training initiative” and “testing the hypothesis that the ops team can cheaply make people’s lives better by handling a bunch of annoying tasks (and, if so, getting a sense for how expensive it is so that we can decide whether it’s within budget)”.)
(Note that I would have considered it totally reasonable and fine for him to go to his manager and say “so, we’re not doing this, it’s too much effort and too low priority”, such that the ops team could tell me “X won’t be done” instead of falsely telling me “X will be done by time Y”, as I was eventually begging them to do.)
My takeaway wasn’t so much “he was wrong” as “something clearly wasn’t working about the requests that he use his own initative / money / his manager, as a resource while trying to help make people’s lives easier by doing a bunch of little tasks for them”. Which conclusion I still think I was licensed to draw, from that particular interaction.
what would have been the most efficient way to communicate to him that he was wrong?”
oh absolutely not, “well then learn!” is not a calculated “efficient” communication, it’s an exasperated outburst, of the sort that is unvirtuous by my conversational standards.
As stated, “Sorry, I don’t have capacity for this conversation, please have it with your manager instead” in a gentle tone would have lived up to my own conversational virtues significantly better.
At no point in this reply are you considering (out loud, at least) that hypothesis “maybe I was wrong and I missed something”.
I’m still not really considering this hypothesis (even internally).
This “X was wrong” concept isn’t even a recognizable concept in my native cognitive format. I readily believe things like “the exasperated outburst wasn’t kind” and “I would have lived up to my conversational virtues more if I had instead been kind” and “it’s worth changing my behavior to live up to those virtues better”. And I readily believe things like “if Kurt had taken initiative there, that would have been favorable evidence about his ability to fill the role he was hired for” and “the fact that Kurt came to me in that situation rather than taking initiative or going to his manager, despite previous attempts to cause him to take initiative and/or go through his manager, was evidence against his ability to fill the role he was hired for”.
Which you perhaps would parse as “Nate believed that both parties Were Wrong”, but that’s not the way that I dice things up, internally.
Perhaps I’m being dense, and some additional kernel of doubt is being asked of me here. If so, I’d appreciate attempts to spell it out like I’m a total idiot.
The best life-hack I have is “Don’t be afraid to come back and restart the discussion once you feel less frustration or exasperation”.
Thanks! “Circle back around after I’ve cooled down” is indeed one of the various techniques
that I have adopted (and that I file under partially-successful changes).
express vulnerability, focus on communicating you needs and how you feel about things, avoid assigning blame, make negotiable requests, and go from there.
Thanks again! (I have read that book, and made changes on account of it that I also file under partial-successes.)
So for the bike tire thing the NVC version would be something like “I need to spend my time efficiently and not have to worry about logistics; when you tell me you’re having problems with the pump I feel stressed because I feel like I’m spending time I should spend on more important things. I need you to find a system where you can solve these problems without my input. What do you need to make that happen?”
If memory serves, the NVC book contains a case where the author is like “You can use NVC even when you’re in a lot of emotional distress! For instance, one time when I was overwhelmed to the point of emotional outburst, I outburst “I am feeling pain!” and left the room, as was an instance of adhering to the NVC issues even in a context where emotions were running high”.
This feels more like the sort of thing that is emotionally-plausible to me in realtime when I am frustrated in that way. I agree that outbursts “I’m feeling frustrated” or “I’m feeling exasperated” would have been better outbursts than “Well then learn”, before exiting. That’s the sort of thing I manage to hit sometimes with partial success.
And, to be clear, I also aspire to higher-grade responses like a chill “hey man, sorry to interrupt (but I’m already late to a bunch of things today), is this a case where you should be using your own initiative and/or talking to your manager instead of me?”. And perhaps we’ll get there! And maybe further discussions like this one will help me gain new techniques towards that end, which I’d greatly appreciate.
So I’ve been thinking about this particular branch for a while and I think I have a slightly different diagnosis from PoignardAzur, which I think nearly lines up with yours but has an important difference. I think this is the important part:
I’m still not really considering this hypothesis (even internally).
This “X was wrong” concept isn’t even a recognizable concept in my native cognitive format.
...
Which you perhaps would parse as “Nate believed that both parties Were Wrong”, but that’s not the way that I dice things up, internally.
Even if you are not tracking who is Wrong is any particular interaction, if other people are tracking who is Wrong, that seems like an important thing for you to handle because it will be a large part of how they interpret communication from you. (For the bike pump example, the thing where you saw Kurt as “begging pardon” seems like evidence this was plausibly up for Kurt / you could have guessed this was up for Kurt in the moment.) One way to interpret the situation is:
Kurt: I am Wrong but would like to displace that to the bike pump
Nate: Rejected! >:[
Kurt: :(
I am imagining that you were not asking for this sort of situation (and would have been less interested in a “save your time” deal if “do emotional labor for people helping you” had explicitly been part of the deal), but my guess is attention to this sort of thing is the next place to look for attacking the source of the problem.
[Also, I’m not trying to confidently assert this is what was actually up for Kurt in the moment—instead I’m asking “if this story made me side with Kurt, why did that happen?”]
Perhaps I’m being dense, and some additional kernel of doubt is being asked of me here. If so, I’d appreciate attempts to spell it out like I’m a total idiot.
I don’t know if “dense” is the word I use, but yeah, I think you missed my point.
My ELI5 would be “You’re still assuming the problem was ‘Kurt didn’t know how to use a pump’ and not ‘there was something wrong with your pump’”.
I don’t want to speculate too much beyond that eg about the discretionary budget stuff.
Thanks again! (I have read that book, and made changes on account of it that I also file under partial-successes.)
Perhaps you’re trying to point at something that I’m missing, but from my point of view, sentences like “I’d love to say “and I’ve identified the source of the problem and successfully addressed it”, but I don’t think I have” and “would I have been living up to my conversational ideals (significantly) better, if I’d said [...]” are intended indicators that I believe there’s significant room for me to improve, and that I have desire to improve.
At to be clear: I think that there is significant room for improvement for me here, and I desire to improve.
(And for the record: I have put a decent amount of effort towards improving, with some success.)
(And for the record: I don’t recall any instances of getting frustrated-in-the-way-that-turntrout-and-KurtB-are-recounting with Thomas Kwa, or any of Vivek’s team, as I think is a decent amount of evidence about those improvements, given how much time I spent working with them. (Which isn’t to say they didn’t have other discomforts!))
This reply wouldn’t have quite suited me, because Kurt didn’t report to me, and (if memory serves) we’d already been having some issues of the form “can you solve this by using your own initiative, or by spending modest amounts of money”. And (if memory serves) I had already tried to communicate that these weren’t the sorts of conversations I wanted to be having.
(I totally agree that his manager should have had a discussion about discretionary budget and initiative, and to probe why he didn’t feel comfortable making those buying decisions right away. He was not my direct report.)
Like, the context (if I recall correctly, which I might not at 6ish years remove) wasn’t that I called Kurt to ask him what had happened, nor that we were having some sort of general meeting in which he brought up this point. (Again: he didn’t report to me.) The context is that I was already late from walking my commute, sweaty from changing a bike tire, and Kurt came up and was like “Hey, sorry to hear your tire popped. I couldn’t figure out how to use your pump”, in a tone that parsed to me as someone begging pardon and indicating that he was about to ask me how to use one, a conversation that I did not want to be in at that moment and that seemed to me like a new instance of a repeating issue.
Nope!
I did (and still do) believe that this was an indication that Kurt wasn’t up to the challenge that the ops team was (at that time) undertaking, of seeing if they could make people’s lives easier by doing annoying little tasks for them.
It’s not obvious to me that he could have solved it with a 5 minute youtube tutorial; for all I know it would have taken him hours.
(Where the argument here is not “hours of his time are worth minutes of mine”; I don’t really think in those terms despite how everyone else seems to want to; I’d think more in terms of “training initiative” and “testing the hypothesis that the ops team can cheaply make people’s lives better by handling a bunch of annoying tasks (and, if so, getting a sense for how expensive it is so that we can decide whether it’s within budget)”.)
(Note that I would have considered it totally reasonable and fine for him to go to his manager and say “so, we’re not doing this, it’s too much effort and too low priority”, such that the ops team could tell me “X won’t be done” instead of falsely telling me “X will be done by time Y”, as I was eventually begging them to do.)
My takeaway wasn’t so much “he was wrong” as “something clearly wasn’t working about the requests that he use his own initative / money / his manager, as a resource while trying to help make people’s lives easier by doing a bunch of little tasks for them”. Which conclusion I still think I was licensed to draw, from that particular interaction.
oh absolutely not, “well then learn!” is not a calculated “efficient” communication, it’s an exasperated outburst, of the sort that is unvirtuous by my conversational standards.
As stated, “Sorry, I don’t have capacity for this conversation, please have it with your manager instead” in a gentle tone would have lived up to my own conversational virtues significantly better.
I’m still not really considering this hypothesis (even internally).
This “X was wrong” concept isn’t even a recognizable concept in my native cognitive format. I readily believe things like “the exasperated outburst wasn’t kind” and “I would have lived up to my conversational virtues more if I had instead been kind” and “it’s worth changing my behavior to live up to those virtues better”. And I readily believe things like “if Kurt had taken initiative there, that would have been favorable evidence about his ability to fill the role he was hired for” and “the fact that Kurt came to me in that situation rather than taking initiative or going to his manager, despite previous attempts to cause him to take initiative and/or go through his manager, was evidence against his ability to fill the role he was hired for”.
Which you perhaps would parse as “Nate believed that both parties Were Wrong”, but that’s not the way that I dice things up, internally.
Perhaps I’m being dense, and some additional kernel of doubt is being asked of me here. If so, I’d appreciate attempts to spell it out like I’m a total idiot.
Thanks! “Circle back around after I’ve cooled down” is indeed one of the various techniques that I have adopted (and that I file under partially-successful changes).
Thanks again! (I have read that book, and made changes on account of it that I also file under partial-successes.)
If memory serves, the NVC book contains a case where the author is like “You can use NVC even when you’re in a lot of emotional distress! For instance, one time when I was overwhelmed to the point of emotional outburst, I outburst “I am feeling pain!” and left the room, as was an instance of adhering to the NVC issues even in a context where emotions were running high”.
This feels more like the sort of thing that is emotionally-plausible to me in realtime when I am frustrated in that way. I agree that outbursts “I’m feeling frustrated” or “I’m feeling exasperated” would have been better outbursts than “Well then learn”, before exiting. That’s the sort of thing I manage to hit sometimes with partial success.
And, to be clear, I also aspire to higher-grade responses like a chill “hey man, sorry to interrupt (but I’m already late to a bunch of things today), is this a case where you should be using your own initiative and/or talking to your manager instead of me?”. And perhaps we’ll get there! And maybe further discussions like this one will help me gain new techniques towards that end, which I’d greatly appreciate.
So I’ve been thinking about this particular branch for a while and I think I have a slightly different diagnosis from PoignardAzur, which I think nearly lines up with yours but has an important difference. I think this is the important part:
Even if you are not tracking who is Wrong is any particular interaction, if other people are tracking who is Wrong, that seems like an important thing for you to handle because it will be a large part of how they interpret communication from you. (For the bike pump example, the thing where you saw Kurt as “begging pardon” seems like evidence this was plausibly up for Kurt / you could have guessed this was up for Kurt in the moment.) One way to interpret the situation is:
Kurt: I am Wrong but would like to displace that to the bike pump
Nate: Rejected! >:[
Kurt: :(
I am imagining that you were not asking for this sort of situation (and would have been less interested in a “save your time” deal if “do emotional labor for people helping you” had explicitly been part of the deal), but my guess is attention to this sort of thing is the next place to look for attacking the source of the problem.
[Also, I’m not trying to confidently assert this is what was actually up for Kurt in the moment—instead I’m asking “if this story made me side with Kurt, why did that happen?”]
I don’t know if “dense” is the word I use, but yeah, I think you missed my point.
My ELI5 would be “You’re still assuming the problem was ‘Kurt didn’t know how to use a pump’ and not ‘there was something wrong with your pump’”.
I don’t want to speculate too much beyond that eg about the discretionary budget stuff.
Happy to hear that!
(I had used that pump that very day, shortly before, to pump up the replacement tire.)