If you need more rationalist MLP fanfiction in your life, I’m 5⁄6 of the way through writing mine and could use feedback. It’s intentionally somewhat less rationalist and more fanfictiony than either of your examples.
(I’m aware of the irony of posting this link in this thread, but I figure most posters who are bored by all things pony will have stopped reading the thread by now.)
In the scene where Twilight Sparkle discovers her Earth Pony senses, is doesn’t make sense that she would be surprised that Crabapple knew what they felt like. It seems like something that should be common knowledge (If IRL people talk so much about race and penis size, you’d think people would talk about entire extra magic senses).
Also, Rarity turns Rainbow Dash a day after Twilight Sparkle’s attempt, but it says “For the second time today, Rainbow Dash felt another mind join hers.”
Also, why were they waiting to turn Rainbow Dash when Celestia could have shown up at any second and killed her, imprisoned Rarity and Twilight Sparkle, and kept immortality from the world for another thousand years or so? Seeing as it’s the elements of harmony that have decided the outcome of every fight involving alicorns (except Chrysalis vs Celestia) shouldn’t Twilight have tried to make off with them while she was still in Celestia’s good graces, even if they are missing 3 of the bearers, and can’t use them themselves? Celestia has been known to use the elements herself before.
Twilight could probably have found some way to turn Rarity and Rainbow Dash in secret, and flown to some far corner of Equestria to raise an army of alicorns and overthrow the incumbent princesses. I would expect the princesses to need to be vastly outnumbered to lose a fight, because you can probably get really good at magic duels after a thousand years.
Granted, Twilight might not be up for such a plan because she’s not ready to completely betray the princesses, but … what is her plan? Get herself, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash imprisoned for a thousand years? Or did she know Luna would object, and was it her plan to get exiled (not a good plan if she actually wants to make everyone immortal like she says). Did she expect to convince Celestia that mass immortality was good (Surely she must have known that wouldn’t work)?
My model of your Rainbow Dash (with her impossible thing-doing attitude) would have attempted to figure out the alicorn transformation on her own to save Fluttershy (after she heard a brief description of what it involved from Twilight). Maybe you should edit in some mention of her trying?
All that said, I really liked the conflicting loyalty plot between Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, and Celestia (enough to read all 102 pages in one night). I liked Rainbow Dash’s desperation over Fluttershy’s impending doom, and how you covered the omission bias. I mentally squee’d when I read the part about Celestia burning Twilight’s letters.
Can you send me a PM when the last chapter is done?
I just started the chapter “Loyalty” and so far, I don’t have any feedback so far other than PLEASE keep writing. I mean, I’ve read things about Immortality/Death before, but so far this is really tugging on my heartstrings.
Edit: I couldn’t stop reading and I ended up reading all of it in one go. I still don’t have any feedback other than please keep writing.
If you need more rationalist MLP fanfiction in your life, I’m 5⁄6 of the way through writing mine and could use feedback. It’s intentionally somewhat less rationalist and more fanfictiony than either of your examples.
(I’m aware of the irony of posting this link in this thread, but I figure most posters who are bored by all things pony will have stopped reading the thread by now.)
In the scene where Twilight Sparkle discovers her Earth Pony senses, is doesn’t make sense that she would be surprised that Crabapple knew what they felt like. It seems like something that should be common knowledge (If IRL people talk so much about race and penis size, you’d think people would talk about entire extra magic senses).
Also, Rarity turns Rainbow Dash a day after Twilight Sparkle’s attempt, but it says “For the second time today, Rainbow Dash felt another mind join hers.”
Also, why were they waiting to turn Rainbow Dash when Celestia could have shown up at any second and killed her, imprisoned Rarity and Twilight Sparkle, and kept immortality from the world for another thousand years or so? Seeing as it’s the elements of harmony that have decided the outcome of every fight involving alicorns (except Chrysalis vs Celestia) shouldn’t Twilight have tried to make off with them while she was still in Celestia’s good graces, even if they are missing 3 of the bearers, and can’t use them themselves? Celestia has been known to use the elements herself before.
Twilight could probably have found some way to turn Rarity and Rainbow Dash in secret, and flown to some far corner of Equestria to raise an army of alicorns and overthrow the incumbent princesses. I would expect the princesses to need to be vastly outnumbered to lose a fight, because you can probably get really good at magic duels after a thousand years.
Granted, Twilight might not be up for such a plan because she’s not ready to completely betray the princesses, but … what is her plan? Get herself, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash imprisoned for a thousand years? Or did she know Luna would object, and was it her plan to get exiled (not a good plan if she actually wants to make everyone immortal like she says). Did she expect to convince Celestia that mass immortality was good (Surely she must have known that wouldn’t work)?
My model of your Rainbow Dash (with her impossible thing-doing attitude) would have attempted to figure out the alicorn transformation on her own to save Fluttershy (after she heard a brief description of what it involved from Twilight). Maybe you should edit in some mention of her trying?
All that said, I really liked the conflicting loyalty plot between Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, and Celestia (enough to read all 102 pages in one night). I liked Rainbow Dash’s desperation over Fluttershy’s impending doom, and how you covered the omission bias. I mentally squee’d when I read the part about Celestia burning Twilight’s letters.
Can you send me a PM when the last chapter is done?
This fic was an enjoyable read. Please let us know when the rest of it is available :)
I just started the chapter “Loyalty” and so far, I don’t have any feedback so far other than PLEASE keep writing. I mean, I’ve read things about Immortality/Death before, but so far this is really tugging on my heartstrings.
Edit: I couldn’t stop reading and I ended up reading all of it in one go. I still don’t have any feedback other than please keep writing.