Several months ago, Ozy wrote a wonderful post on weaponized kindness over at Thing of Things. The principal benefit of weaponized kindness is that you can have more pleasant and useful conversations with would-be adversaries by acknowledging correct points they make, and actively listening to them. The technique sounds like exactly the sort of thing I’d expect Dale Carnegie to write about in How to Win Friends and Influence People.
I think, though, that there’s another benefit to both weaponized kindness, and more general extreme kindness. To generalize from my own experience, it seems that people’s responses to even single episodes of extreme kindness can tell you a lot about how you’ll get along with them, if you’re the type of person who enjoys being extremely kind. Specifically, people who reciprocate extreme kindness tend to get along well with people who give extreme kindness, as do people who socially or emotionally acknowledge that an act of kindness has been done, even without reciprocating. On the other hoof, the sort of people who have a habit of using extreme kindness don’t tend to get along with the (say) half of the population consisting of people who are most likely to ignore or discredit extreme kindness.
In some sense, this is fairly obvious. The most surprising-for-me thing about using the reaction-to-extreme-kindness heuristic for predicting who I’ll be good friends with, though, is how incredibly strong and accurate the heuristic is for me. It seems like 5 of the 6 individuals I feel closest to are all in the top ~1 % of people I’ve met at being good at giving and receiving extreme kindness.
(Partial caveat: this heuristic doesn’t work as well when another party strongly wants something from you, e.g. in some types of unhealthy dating contexts).
Using kindness as a weapon creates incentives for people not to respond to kindness.
Also, as people pointed out in that thread, using kindness as a weapon is usually just being patronizing. The problem with showing contempt for someone is that you have contempt for someone, not that you’re showing it, and focussing your efforts on the showing part rarely fools anyone and is considered worse for very good reasons.
Several months ago, Ozy wrote a wonderful post on weaponized kindness over at Thing of Things. The principal benefit of weaponized kindness is that you can have more pleasant and useful conversations with would-be adversaries by acknowledging correct points they make, and actively listening to them. The technique sounds like exactly the sort of thing I’d expect Dale Carnegie to write about in How to Win Friends and Influence People.
I think, though, that there’s another benefit to both weaponized kindness, and more general extreme kindness. To generalize from my own experience, it seems that people’s responses to even single episodes of extreme kindness can tell you a lot about how you’ll get along with them, if you’re the type of person who enjoys being extremely kind. Specifically, people who reciprocate extreme kindness tend to get along well with people who give extreme kindness, as do people who socially or emotionally acknowledge that an act of kindness has been done, even without reciprocating. On the other hoof, the sort of people who have a habit of using extreme kindness don’t tend to get along with the (say) half of the population consisting of people who are most likely to ignore or discredit extreme kindness.
In some sense, this is fairly obvious. The most surprising-for-me thing about using the reaction-to-extreme-kindness heuristic for predicting who I’ll be good friends with, though, is how incredibly strong and accurate the heuristic is for me. It seems like 5 of the 6 individuals I feel closest to are all in the top ~1 % of people I’ve met at being good at giving and receiving extreme kindness.
(Partial caveat: this heuristic doesn’t work as well when another party strongly wants something from you, e.g. in some types of unhealthy dating contexts).
Using kindness as a weapon creates incentives for people not to respond to kindness.
Also, as people pointed out in that thread, using kindness as a weapon is usually just being patronizing. The problem with showing contempt for someone is that you have contempt for someone, not that you’re showing it, and focussing your efforts on the showing part rarely fools anyone and is considered worse for very good reasons.