I vote for putting the shock value in. I’d also change it to “When I’m old enough, I’m gonna rape that bitch and knock her up” or “When I get a chance, I’m gonna rape that bitch.” As well as being old enough to get an erection, 11-year-olds are oldenough to rape, though of course this could just be Draco’s bravado.
I have a notion that this bit (especially the earlier version where Draco admits to not having erections yet) was the result of story constraints.
After somewhat about the Malfoys being pretty cool in ways which are important from the point of view of the story, it was necessary to shockingly remind the reader that they’re also morally deficient and seriously bad news. At the same time, it was also a good idea to make this a hypothetical threat—the story line isn’t now (and perhaps not ever) about Hermione being in danger.
Read chapter 22 and 23, then look at what you just wrote. Are you sure that’s the same Draco? If the passage actually does need more shock value (and I’m not quite sure that it does, especially given the wide variance in reader taste and the number who enjoyed the rest of the fic but thought that one part was too shocking) then it has to be more in-character for the later-revealed Draco. There’s a simple way to increase the shock without adding vulgarities that polite young Death Eaters don’t use—namely, substitute “torture and rape” for “rape”—but I already think this whole conversation is getting a bit off-topic for LW.
I vote for putting the shock value in. I’d also change it to “When I’m old enough, I’m gonna rape that bitch and knock her up” or “When I get a chance, I’m gonna rape that bitch.” As well as being old enough to get an erection, 11-year-olds are old enough to rape, though of course this could just be Draco’s bravado.
I have a notion that this bit (especially the earlier version where Draco admits to not having erections yet) was the result of story constraints.
After somewhat about the Malfoys being pretty cool in ways which are important from the point of view of the story, it was necessary to shockingly remind the reader that they’re also morally deficient and seriously bad news. At the same time, it was also a good idea to make this a hypothetical threat—the story line isn’t now (and perhaps not ever) about Hermione being in danger.
Read chapter 22 and 23, then look at what you just wrote. Are you sure that’s the same Draco? If the passage actually does need more shock value (and I’m not quite sure that it does, especially given the wide variance in reader taste and the number who enjoyed the rest of the fic but thought that one part was too shocking) then it has to be more in-character for the later-revealed Draco. There’s a simple way to increase the shock without adding vulgarities that polite young Death Eaters don’t use—namely, substitute “torture and rape” for “rape”—but I already think this whole conversation is getting a bit off-topic for LW.