One exercise you could do is to remember a time you felt loved, and how it felt, and focus on that feeling. Spend a bit of time each day bringing up that feeling into your consciousness. Or, another similar thing to do would be to imagine being surrounded by love, with whatever visuals or feelings feel right to you.
This sounds very similar to journaling about ways my wife showed love each day
There are likely ways to feel more comfortable with receiving compliments or gifts. But, once you are more comfortable with these other expressions of love, would you feel more loved?
My gifts issue is mostly to do with minimalist/environmentalist concerns. I don’t want/need stuff and a gift is more stuff wrapped in garbage which will eventually end up as garbage too. I know all gifts can’t be described that way, but I guess (which is just hitting as I type this) I have an ugh field around “gifts”.
As far compliments go, I have analyzed that quite a bit, and I believe it stems from the fact that, even though I don’t give insincere compliments, they generally sound (to me) as insincere on the way out of my mouth and so I don’t give them (at least not standard ones). Since they are funny for me to give, they are funny for me to get. (probably another ugh field)
Perhaps there are creative approaches that could result in more time together.
Its a little more complicated than not having enough time. I’m a “relationship guy” {a term I stole from the movie I love you man}, which is to say, while I have friends, friendship is always a lower priority than my relationships, I’d rather sit on the couch next to my wife and watch netfix on the laptop with headphones (so we don’t wake the kids) than just about anything else I could do on an evening out on the town with her home with the kids. That’s an unrealistic expectation of a lover if they are also not the same way (1). So since service is one of the ways I prefer to give love (and thankful she receives it) as a service to her, she can go out as needed and tend to her friendships, which are important to her. Its seems I would like to make that lower-cost to me.
Are you sure that “feeling unloved” is what is going on? It sounds to me like it’s possible that what’s happening is that you are feeling frustrated and lonely. Which may not be the same thing.
You could say that I’m feeling unhappy as a result of being lonely as a result of not perceiving enough love.
I think “How can I feel more comfortable with receiving gifts and compliments?” would be an achievable goal. Perhaps that’s a good first step. But I’m not sure it will get you what you want.
Maybe it should be “How can I feel positive emotions when people do nice things for me, irrespective of the format/modality of the nice thing, without having to consciously think about how it was a nice thing for someone to do.”
It sounds like you’ve trained yourself to speak the other person’s love language, but haven’t yet learned how to listen as well as you’d like.
The general premise of the books is to change the way you show love to match the way people receive it. I have not found anyone reference changing their own receiving modes. It seems like an incredible brain hack, that (assuming it works and is easy or not-terribly-difficult and has no side affects) would be wise for people in general to do. The end goal would be having all modes equal and highly sensitive.
1) A bummer since during the typical relationship pre-screening process early in a relationship; hormones, novelty, general insanity, etc make everyone a “relationship guy/gal” and the need for them to go spend time with other people doesn’t manifest until after substantial pair-bonding has occurred.
This sounds very similar to journaling about ways my wife showed love each day
Journaling is focused on keeping track of what happened in the day, and what you perceived externally. That’s not the point I had in mind with the exercise. The exercise was more to help your mind remember what it feels like to be loved. It’s almost like training a muscle with weights or something. If you can bring up that feeling to mind more often, you might get used to it being there more often.
Journaling might help, but in a different way.
You could say that I’m feeling unhappy as a result of being lonely as a result of not perceiving enough love.
Thank you for this comment. I understand a little better.
I don’t want/need stuff and a gift is more stuff wrapped in garbage which will eventually end up as garbage too.
If this has been your most common experience with receiving gifts, then no wonder you don’t like it.
As someone who enjoys giving and receiving gifts, I would say that such gifts at least partly miss the point of giving gifts. It works much better when the gifts are thoughtful and something that the person receiving it actually likes.
There is weird cultural stuff around gift giving, different in different families and culture. In some cultures it is polite to pretend to like a gift you don’t like. But in a romantic relationship, I think it is better to give feedback, and practice at getting better at it. Say it tactfully, but be honest. Then through several cycles of gift giving and feedback, adjustments can be made as you go along.
Perhaps you would prefer gifts more along the line of some sort of food that you enjoy that you could consume in a short period of time, or digital files that don’t take up more physical space in your home. Those are examples I thought of that I think are less likely to fall into the category of “garbage wrapped in garbage”. But you may have ideas that better suit you.
I know your topic is broader than just gifts, but I think in this example, you may not have had the experience of a gift done really well, with a lot of thought given to your preferences. When that happens, that feels pretty great, at least to me. But I also have had the experience of being given things that are of no use to me at all. If it’s strangers I smile and nod, but for people close to me, I think it is worth bringing some assertiveness to the topic. In a long term relationship, I would not be satisfied with “That was kindly meant, but made my life slightly worse.”
Or maybe I would on occasion, but I would find it easier to accept if I had attempted to make the situation better in general.
In such a situation, I would communicate with my partner to see if we could find a way of doing things that was better for us both.
Maybe it should be “How can I feel positive emotions when people do nice things for me, irrespective of the
format/modality of the nice thing, without having to consciously think about how it was a nice thing for
someone to do.”
Would it help to be able to separate in your head a bit the intent and the result? Because sometimes these do not match up.
You probably won’t get to it being automatic to recognize and acknowledge someone’s intent without spending some time doing it consciously.
If you observe people carefully over time, you may get a better idea of what their intent is. Or you could be more active and ask them directly (but politely) why they do the things they do.
Its seems I would like to make that lower-cost to me.
I think I’m missing something, because I’m not sure how that relates to what we are discussing. How would changing your perceptions of how love is shown make it easier to deal with when your wife takes some time to be with her friends?
It sound to me like your wife needs more time with her friends, but that the two of you also need more alone time together. Time is at a premium. I don’t think it is reasonable to say “don’t see your friends”. But I do think there may be a way to achieve that, and achieve more time together. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive.
I don’t know your specific circumstances, so maybe your time really is that scarce. But from the outside, and from the limited information I have, I think “making time to be alone together more often without reducing time spent with friends” sounds like it might be important to the future of your relationship.
It seems like an incredible brain hack, that (assuming it works and is easy or not-terribly-difficult and has
no side affects) would be wise for people in general to do. The end goal would be having all modes
equal and highly sensitive.
I think that getting better at perceiving the other modes is achievable. I think that having more appreciation than currently you do for the other modes is achievable. I’m not sure that preferences for which modes you like best are so easily changed. I’m also not sure that having all modes equal and highly sensitive should be the end goal. I think that to you right now it looks like it would make your life easier, but it may not be optimal.
I also don’t think that this is something that you necessarily have to do alone. If you can talk to your wife more, ask her what she’s thinking, get her help in this project, that may help. When she’s doing something that shows her love for you, she likely knows it, and could help you notice it, if you ask for help noticing.
I’ve had times in a relationship where I’ve asked my partner to help me when I’m clueless about something that they care about, and it has worked out well, though it can be uncomfortable at times. Sometimes expressing the confusion openly helps.
If this has been your most common experience with receiving gifts, then no wonder you don’t like it.
My issues with gifts are very layered and very deep, from going from middle class to “free-or-reduced-lunch” in middle school and becoming acutely aware of the value of things and what my mom was sacrificing for a new-but-cheap pair of jeans to a general avoidance of having stuff I don’t want/use to a history of big gifts that were literally the opposite of “its the thought that counts”. My wife and I don’t really engage is gift giving, and it is not an area of contention.
Perhaps you would prefer gifts more along the line of some sort of food that you enjoy that you could consume in a short period of time...
I have been making a conscious effort to train people in giving experiences, as they are should to improve happiness vs presents, and don’t offend my minimalist/zero-waste ideals. This is going to be a big challenge in the coming years are our 2 and 4 year olds get older.
You probably won’t get to it being automatic to recognize and acknowledge someone’s intent without spending some time doing it consciously.
I’d would disagree, at least for me I have been able to temporarily create new unconscious reactions. I have a little quirk that I’m paranoid that I’ll call my lover the wrong name. When I first started dating my wife, any time I thought about my ex, I would repeat my wife’s name in my head, this led to an odd habit of doing the same thing when I caught myself checking out another girl. That habit let to an unconscious reaction that seeing a “hot chick” would make me think of my wife. That has now attenuated away, but I’m sure if I started mentally repeating my wife’s name whenever I check out a woman, it would come back.
This sounds very similar to journaling about ways my wife showed love each day
My gifts issue is mostly to do with minimalist/environmentalist concerns. I don’t want/need stuff and a gift is more stuff wrapped in garbage which will eventually end up as garbage too. I know all gifts can’t be described that way, but I guess (which is just hitting as I type this) I have an ugh field around “gifts”.
As far compliments go, I have analyzed that quite a bit, and I believe it stems from the fact that, even though I don’t give insincere compliments, they generally sound (to me) as insincere on the way out of my mouth and so I don’t give them (at least not standard ones). Since they are funny for me to give, they are funny for me to get. (probably another ugh field)
Its a little more complicated than not having enough time. I’m a “relationship guy” {a term I stole from the movie I love you man}, which is to say, while I have friends, friendship is always a lower priority than my relationships, I’d rather sit on the couch next to my wife and watch netfix on the laptop with headphones (so we don’t wake the kids) than just about anything else I could do on an evening out on the town with her home with the kids. That’s an unrealistic expectation of a lover if they are also not the same way (1). So since service is one of the ways I prefer to give love (and thankful she receives it) as a service to her, she can go out as needed and tend to her friendships, which are important to her. Its seems I would like to make that lower-cost to me.
You could say that I’m feeling unhappy as a result of being lonely as a result of not perceiving enough love.
Maybe it should be “How can I feel positive emotions when people do nice things for me, irrespective of the format/modality of the nice thing, without having to consciously think about how it was a nice thing for someone to do.”
The general premise of the books is to change the way you show love to match the way people receive it. I have not found anyone reference changing their own receiving modes. It seems like an incredible brain hack, that (assuming it works and is easy or not-terribly-difficult and has no side affects) would be wise for people in general to do. The end goal would be having all modes equal and highly sensitive.
1) A bummer since during the typical relationship pre-screening process early in a relationship; hormones, novelty, general insanity, etc make everyone a “relationship guy/gal” and the need for them to go spend time with other people doesn’t manifest until after substantial pair-bonding has occurred.
Journaling is focused on keeping track of what happened in the day, and what you perceived externally. That’s not the point I had in mind with the exercise. The exercise was more to help your mind remember what it feels like to be loved. It’s almost like training a muscle with weights or something. If you can bring up that feeling to mind more often, you might get used to it being there more often.
Journaling might help, but in a different way.
Thank you for this comment. I understand a little better.
If this has been your most common experience with receiving gifts, then no wonder you don’t like it.
As someone who enjoys giving and receiving gifts, I would say that such gifts at least partly miss the point of giving gifts. It works much better when the gifts are thoughtful and something that the person receiving it actually likes.
There is weird cultural stuff around gift giving, different in different families and culture. In some cultures it is polite to pretend to like a gift you don’t like. But in a romantic relationship, I think it is better to give feedback, and practice at getting better at it. Say it tactfully, but be honest. Then through several cycles of gift giving and feedback, adjustments can be made as you go along.
Perhaps you would prefer gifts more along the line of some sort of food that you enjoy that you could consume in a short period of time, or digital files that don’t take up more physical space in your home. Those are examples I thought of that I think are less likely to fall into the category of “garbage wrapped in garbage”. But you may have ideas that better suit you.
I know your topic is broader than just gifts, but I think in this example, you may not have had the experience of a gift done really well, with a lot of thought given to your preferences. When that happens, that feels pretty great, at least to me. But I also have had the experience of being given things that are of no use to me at all. If it’s strangers I smile and nod, but for people close to me, I think it is worth bringing some assertiveness to the topic. In a long term relationship, I would not be satisfied with “That was kindly meant, but made my life slightly worse.” Or maybe I would on occasion, but I would find it easier to accept if I had attempted to make the situation better in general.
In such a situation, I would communicate with my partner to see if we could find a way of doing things that was better for us both.
Would it help to be able to separate in your head a bit the intent and the result? Because sometimes these do not match up.
You probably won’t get to it being automatic to recognize and acknowledge someone’s intent without spending some time doing it consciously.
If you observe people carefully over time, you may get a better idea of what their intent is. Or you could be more active and ask them directly (but politely) why they do the things they do.
I think I’m missing something, because I’m not sure how that relates to what we are discussing. How would changing your perceptions of how love is shown make it easier to deal with when your wife takes some time to be with her friends?
It sound to me like your wife needs more time with her friends, but that the two of you also need more alone time together. Time is at a premium. I don’t think it is reasonable to say “don’t see your friends”. But I do think there may be a way to achieve that, and achieve more time together. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive.
I don’t know your specific circumstances, so maybe your time really is that scarce. But from the outside, and from the limited information I have, I think “making time to be alone together more often without reducing time spent with friends” sounds like it might be important to the future of your relationship.
I think that getting better at perceiving the other modes is achievable. I think that having more appreciation than currently you do for the other modes is achievable. I’m not sure that preferences for which modes you like best are so easily changed. I’m also not sure that having all modes equal and highly sensitive should be the end goal. I think that to you right now it looks like it would make your life easier, but it may not be optimal.
I also don’t think that this is something that you necessarily have to do alone. If you can talk to your wife more, ask her what she’s thinking, get her help in this project, that may help. When she’s doing something that shows her love for you, she likely knows it, and could help you notice it, if you ask for help noticing.
I’ve had times in a relationship where I’ve asked my partner to help me when I’m clueless about something that they care about, and it has worked out well, though it can be uncomfortable at times. Sometimes expressing the confusion openly helps.
Thanks for your replies
My issues with gifts are very layered and very deep, from going from middle class to “free-or-reduced-lunch” in middle school and becoming acutely aware of the value of things and what my mom was sacrificing for a new-but-cheap pair of jeans to a general avoidance of having stuff I don’t want/use to a history of big gifts that were literally the opposite of “its the thought that counts”. My wife and I don’t really engage is gift giving, and it is not an area of contention.
I have been making a conscious effort to train people in giving experiences, as they are should to improve happiness vs presents, and don’t offend my minimalist/zero-waste ideals. This is going to be a big challenge in the coming years are our 2 and 4 year olds get older.
I’d would disagree, at least for me I have been able to temporarily create new unconscious reactions. I have a little quirk that I’m paranoid that I’ll call my lover the wrong name. When I first started dating my wife, any time I thought about my ex, I would repeat my wife’s name in my head, this led to an odd habit of doing the same thing when I caught myself checking out another girl. That habit let to an unconscious reaction that seeing a “hot chick” would make me think of my wife. That has now attenuated away, but I’m sure if I started mentally repeating my wife’s name whenever I check out a woman, it would come back.