I’ve spent a few years volunteering at an online emotional support site, and the difference between good listeners and the rest was exactly that, a genuine interest in the other person. Reflecting, empathizing, asking questions comes naturally when you want to understand what the other person is going through and where they are coming from. It is only rarely that you can suggest something they didn’t already know, but you can certainly help them clear up their own thoughts and feelings and be able to figure things out for themselves. If you just go through the motions of active listening, you come across as robotic and insincere. Then again, some people don’t care about curiosity or interest, just the act of someone listening, repeating, recapping and paraphrasing is good enough.
I remember when I first visited 7cups, my listener acted so much like a parody of ELIZA that I accused them of being a chatbot. I actually can’t stand those emotional support websites because most of the people on them clearly have no interest in the person they’re talking to—I get more benefit out of Omegle, oddly enough. So yeah, that’s a very good point.
Yeah, a lot of those listeners were quite mechanical. It takes quite a few tries, or some luck, to find someone who is genuinely interested and engaging, but still avoids giving unwanted advice. Not sure how the situation is there now, the owner is apparently a sleaze.
I’ve spent a few years volunteering at an online emotional support site, and the difference between good listeners and the rest was exactly that, a genuine interest in the other person. Reflecting, empathizing, asking questions comes naturally when you want to understand what the other person is going through and where they are coming from. It is only rarely that you can suggest something they didn’t already know, but you can certainly help them clear up their own thoughts and feelings and be able to figure things out for themselves. If you just go through the motions of active listening, you come across as robotic and insincere. Then again, some people don’t care about curiosity or interest, just the act of someone listening, repeating, recapping and paraphrasing is good enough.
Mirrors are useful even though you don’t expect to see another person in them.
Sometimes you need a person to be a mirror to your thoughts.
I remember when I first visited 7cups, my listener acted so much like a parody of ELIZA that I accused them of being a chatbot. I actually can’t stand those emotional support websites because most of the people on them clearly have no interest in the person they’re talking to—I get more benefit out of Omegle, oddly enough. So yeah, that’s a very good point.
Yeah, a lot of those listeners were quite mechanical. It takes quite a few tries, or some luck, to find someone who is genuinely interested and engaging, but still avoids giving unwanted advice. Not sure how the situation is there now, the owner is apparently a sleaze.