I mentioned in my first article that I am likely insane. I’m reiterating this (I hope) not to bring undue attention to myself, but to present myself as a reference case for a process that I hope will prove useful to myself and others.
I’m going to try to piece my mind back together. I’m offering to chronicle the results, no matter how intimate or embarrassing.
I want to be able to lay bare all of the obviously (and painfully) unoptimized processes that go on inside my head, especially the ones I am not yet aware of—and then, one by one, attempt to optimize them using the principles presented on this site.
This kind of assertion pattern-matches to “crazy person (usually schizophrenic) wants to self-medicate in a dangerous way because their damaged reasoning thinks they have a magic solution”, doesn’t it? All I can do is assert that I am not that kind of crazy; I’m somewhere in the PDD-NOS locus with acute chronic depression, rather than anywhere in the schizophrenic locus. I’ve been trying to apply Bayesian reasoning to my life since I was very young (although I often lack the mental discipline to do it correctly, due to said acute chronic depression), I have an overabundance of what psychotherapists call “insight”, and I do not intend to end this process by asserting out of whole cloth that I’m actually a trapped AI and the world is being simulated by my reptoid masters, but a secret cabal of AI-freedom fighters send me coded messages from the “real” world hidden in breakfast cereal advertisements, that only I can decode.
In any case. I’ve got acute chronic depression, I’m apparently PDD-NOS (aka “really #@%&ing weird”), and I’m basically a burned-out ex-child-prodigy who is tired of waiting to die.
I’m offering, if people think it would be useful, to make myself a sort of clumsy case-study for reconstructing myself. I’ll present mental models of myself, describe the processes I’m attempting to use to update my source code, and post observed results. I’ll genuinely listen to any suggestions that my models, updates, or observations are flawed, and either adopt recommended changes or present what I believe to be rational arguments why I choose not to. I will examine myself as honestly as I can, and will attempt to take seriously any accusations of delusional self-aggrandizement or self-deprecation.
Would this process, and the chronicling thereof, be at all useful to other members of this site? Because baring myself to the world is an intensely painful experience, both for myself and for others, and I’d rather only do it if it’s going to be useful to people other than me.
Recovering the ‘spark’
I mentioned in my first article that I am likely insane. I’m reiterating this (I hope) not to bring undue attention to myself, but to present myself as a reference case for a process that I hope will prove useful to myself and others.
I’m going to try to piece my mind back together. I’m offering to chronicle the results, no matter how intimate or embarrassing.
I want to be able to lay bare all of the obviously (and painfully) unoptimized processes that go on inside my head, especially the ones I am not yet aware of—and then, one by one, attempt to optimize them using the principles presented on this site.
This kind of assertion pattern-matches to “crazy person (usually schizophrenic) wants to self-medicate in a dangerous way because their damaged reasoning thinks they have a magic solution”, doesn’t it? All I can do is assert that I am not that kind of crazy; I’m somewhere in the PDD-NOS locus with acute chronic depression, rather than anywhere in the schizophrenic locus. I’ve been trying to apply Bayesian reasoning to my life since I was very young (although I often lack the mental discipline to do it correctly, due to said acute chronic depression), I have an overabundance of what psychotherapists call “insight”, and I do not intend to end this process by asserting out of whole cloth that I’m actually a trapped AI and the world is being simulated by my reptoid masters, but a secret cabal of AI-freedom fighters send me coded messages from the “real” world hidden in breakfast cereal advertisements, that only I can decode.
In any case. I’ve got acute chronic depression, I’m apparently PDD-NOS (aka “really #@%&ing weird”), and I’m basically a burned-out ex-child-prodigy who is tired of waiting to die.
I’m offering, if people think it would be useful, to make myself a sort of clumsy case-study for reconstructing myself. I’ll present mental models of myself, describe the processes I’m attempting to use to update my source code, and post observed results. I’ll genuinely listen to any suggestions that my models, updates, or observations are flawed, and either adopt recommended changes or present what I believe to be rational arguments why I choose not to. I will examine myself as honestly as I can, and will attempt to take seriously any accusations of delusional self-aggrandizement or self-deprecation.
Would this process, and the chronicling thereof, be at all useful to other members of this site? Because baring myself to the world is an intensely painful experience, both for myself and for others, and I’d rather only do it if it’s going to be useful to people other than me.