On the other side of similar instincts I have found that in order for a partner to trust me I must ‘set boundaries’ around things I don’t even want boundaries about. “Politely and firmly standing up for myself” is not really about me and what I want but about claiming territory that she needs me to claim. Which I find a tad ironic but tolerable. I do select somewhat for people whose boundary-testing needs are compatible with my enjoyment.
ETA: Standing up against things I don’t care about doesn’t feel incongruent or dishonest to me at all. Because people, particularly a sexual partner, doing things that I know they consider to be disrespectful of me really are something I have a boundary around. A glaring big uncompromising boundary.
I think it’s a matter of Schelling Points. For many people, their self-interest will gradually increase in an interaction with you in subtle ways (e.g. being late for things, being flaky on plans, being dramatic/insecure/tactless, etc...). They will slowly try to structure the interaction around their needs, until they run into a boundary set by you. I think this sort of behavior is totally normal for many personality types, male or female. I think the only types of people who don’t do this kind of thing are some types of high-IQ nerds, introverts, and people with very high Agreeableness and/or low assertiveness.
The tough part is that all these boundary-pushing behaviors start off small, and are generally unintentional, so it can be hard to figure out the right time to put your foot down without feeling like a jerk.
.
On the other side of similar instincts I have found that in order for a partner to trust me I must ‘set boundaries’ around things I don’t even want boundaries about. “Politely and firmly standing up for myself” is not really about me and what I want but about claiming territory that she needs me to claim. Which I find a tad ironic but tolerable. I do select somewhat for people whose boundary-testing needs are compatible with my enjoyment.
ETA: Standing up against things I don’t care about doesn’t feel incongruent or dishonest to me at all. Because people, particularly a sexual partner, doing things that I know they consider to be disrespectful of me really are something I have a boundary around. A glaring big uncompromising boundary.
I think it’s a matter of Schelling Points. For many people, their self-interest will gradually increase in an interaction with you in subtle ways (e.g. being late for things, being flaky on plans, being dramatic/insecure/tactless, etc...). They will slowly try to structure the interaction around their needs, until they run into a boundary set by you. I think this sort of behavior is totally normal for many personality types, male or female. I think the only types of people who don’t do this kind of thing are some types of high-IQ nerds, introverts, and people with very high Agreeableness and/or low assertiveness.
The tough part is that all these boundary-pushing behaviors start off small, and are generally unintentional, so it can be hard to figure out the right time to put your foot down without feeling like a jerk.