In my freshman fall of university, I realized I was incredibly judgmental of myself and felt I should be capable of everything. I “dealt with it” and felt less suffering and self-loathing/judgment in the following months year. I more or less thought I had “learned how to stop being so harsh on myself.”
Now I see that I never reduced the harshness. What I did was convince my fear/judgement/loathing to use a new rubric for grading me. I did a huge systems, successfully started a shit ton of habits, and build a much better ability to focus. It was as if to say “See? Look at this awesome plan I have! Yes, I implicitly buy into the universe where it’s imperative I do [all the shit]. All I ask is that you give me time. This plan is great and I’ll totally be able to do [all the stuff], just not right now.”
I was fused with the judgement enough that I wasn’t able to question it, only negotiate with it for better terms. The penalty for failure was still “feel like a miserable piece of shit”.
I now have a much better sense of what lead to this fear and judgement being built up in the first place, and that understanding has lead to not doing [all the stuff] feel more like “a less cool world than others” and not “hell, complete with eternal torment and self-loathing”
Collecting some recent observations from some self study:
In my freshman fall of university, I realized I was incredibly judgmental of myself and felt I should be capable of everything. I “dealt with it” and felt less suffering and self-loathing/judgment in the following months year. I more or less thought I had “learned how to stop being so harsh on myself.”
Now I see that I never reduced the harshness. What I did was convince my fear/judgement/loathing to use a new rubric for grading me. I did a huge systems, successfully started a shit ton of habits, and build a much better ability to focus. It was as if to say “See? Look at this awesome plan I have! Yes, I implicitly buy into the universe where it’s imperative I do [all the shit]. All I ask is that you give me time. This plan is great and I’ll totally be able to do [all the stuff], just not right now.”
I was fused with the judgement enough that I wasn’t able to question it, only negotiate with it for better terms. The penalty for failure was still “feel like a miserable piece of shit”.
I now have a much better sense of what lead to this fear and judgement being built up in the first place, and that understanding has lead to not doing [all the stuff] feel more like “a less cool world than others” and not “hell, complete with eternal torment and self-loathing”
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