There are only two ways I could see a marriage working longterm between two people in their early-to-mid twenties:
They grow as individuals and as partners together, and remain a great match even after both of them change drastically over time.
They decide to each sacrifice their own pursuits of personal growth for the relationship.
“Personal growth” can mean a lot of different things to different people, but my experience is precisely the opposite of what you suggest.
I’m 28, and happily married for two years now. One of the things I like most about my wife is the way that she encourages my personal growth, and I think she would say the same about me. That both makes us better people and makes our relationship stronger.
Being married does come with a few tradeoffs. For example, since my wife is in academia and I’m in software engineering, I’m committed to move wherever we need to for her job. (When we got married that seemed like a sacrifice, though COVID has made it kind of a moot point now.) But any logistical difficulties are far outweighed by the fact that I like who I am much better when I’m with her.
We haven’t had kids yet. When we do, I expect that I’ll have to scale back at work. But I also think having kids is one of the best ways to push myself to become more patient and selfless, which to me is worth more. (And my workplace, like others in BigTech, is pretty supportive of family life.)
I do feel very fortunate to have the job and the marriage that I do. But at the same time, I think most LessWrongers are capable of having the same if they want it. What part of your personal growth do you expect you would need to sacrifice to maintain a marriage and/or a family?
I think what OP is getting at here is that personal growth often involves some pretty dramatic changes in personality and lifestyle. An example would be someone who started out polyamorous and became monogamous, or vice versa. People might decide to have kids or more kids when they thought they didn’t want them. Religious beliefs change, so do career plans and income levels. Or big life changes, such as having kids or changing jobs, might cause personality changes.
Even changes that seem positive often end relationships. For example, people who quit drinking or doing drugs often see their relationship end. And most people who undergo weight-loss surgery will see their relationship end, according to what I’ve read. It seems odd—isn’t losing weight or overcoming an addiction good?—, but the thing is, when you change one big foundational aspect of your life, other aspects of your life tend to change as well in ways that neither you nor your partner may have predicted. Maybe the person who lost weight is suddenly a social butterfly, when previously he was happy staying home most of the time. Or maybe the person who quit drinking has more clarity about her life and now wants to quit a well-paying job for something more meaningful.
>What part of your personal growth do you expect you would need to sacrifice to maintain a marriage and/or a family?
This is the wrong question to ask, because we cannot plan out our personal growth trajectory in advance. I expect some of the changes I’ve listed seem like they will never happen to you or aren’t relevant to you, but the thing is, when making a lifelong commitment, things will come up that you never would have predicted. Where my opinion differs from OP is that I think it’s possible for people to stay married through these big life changes and end up better off than if they had divorced or never married. But...I’m not sure.
“Personal growth” can mean a lot of different things to different people, but my experience is precisely the opposite of what you suggest.
I’m 28, and happily married for two years now. One of the things I like most about my wife is the way that she encourages my personal growth, and I think she would say the same about me. That both makes us better people and makes our relationship stronger.
Being married does come with a few tradeoffs. For example, since my wife is in academia and I’m in software engineering, I’m committed to move wherever we need to for her job. (When we got married that seemed like a sacrifice, though COVID has made it kind of a moot point now.) But any logistical difficulties are far outweighed by the fact that I like who I am much better when I’m with her.
We haven’t had kids yet. When we do, I expect that I’ll have to scale back at work. But I also think having kids is one of the best ways to push myself to become more patient and selfless, which to me is worth more. (And my workplace, like others in BigTech, is pretty supportive of family life.)
I do feel very fortunate to have the job and the marriage that I do. But at the same time, I think most LessWrongers are capable of having the same if they want it. What part of your personal growth do you expect you would need to sacrifice to maintain a marriage and/or a family?
I think what OP is getting at here is that personal growth often involves some pretty dramatic changes in personality and lifestyle. An example would be someone who started out polyamorous and became monogamous, or vice versa. People might decide to have kids or more kids when they thought they didn’t want them. Religious beliefs change, so do career plans and income levels. Or big life changes, such as having kids or changing jobs, might cause personality changes.
Even changes that seem positive often end relationships. For example, people who quit drinking or doing drugs often see their relationship end. And most people who undergo weight-loss surgery will see their relationship end, according to what I’ve read. It seems odd—isn’t losing weight or overcoming an addiction good?—, but the thing is, when you change one big foundational aspect of your life, other aspects of your life tend to change as well in ways that neither you nor your partner may have predicted. Maybe the person who lost weight is suddenly a social butterfly, when previously he was happy staying home most of the time. Or maybe the person who quit drinking has more clarity about her life and now wants to quit a well-paying job for something more meaningful.
>What part of your personal growth do you expect you would need to sacrifice to maintain a marriage and/or a family?
This is the wrong question to ask, because we cannot plan out our personal growth trajectory in advance. I expect some of the changes I’ve listed seem like they will never happen to you or aren’t relevant to you, but the thing is, when making a lifelong commitment, things will come up that you never would have predicted. Where my opinion differs from OP is that I think it’s possible for people to stay married through these big life changes and end up better off than if they had divorced or never married. But...I’m not sure.