When my date pays for things/establishes a trend of paying for things, it gives me permission not to fuss about money. I am very, very inclined to fuss about money if any of the money involved is mine, so I find it a huge load off my mind. (I go on first dates prepared to pay half if my date seems to prefer this idea when I ask, but preparing to do that before every date with a person I intended to see regularly would be rapidly exhausting for me, so I’d be leery of going on dates-that-could-cost-money with someone who doesn’t demonstrate an inclination to pay—though this doesn’t preclude 100% of possible second dates.)
Example: I recently dated a guy who took me out to movies (he paid), and we were trying to think of something else to do besides see movies. I proposed snow tubing, but then discovered that the only snow tubing place open in the area which had a device to pull the tubes up the hill was expensive. I dithered to him about this. If he had said something like “don’t worry about that, I’ve got it”, we would have gone snow tubing. He did not, so we didn’t. (This didn’t preclude another movie date after this non-event.)
I think the relevant joke and intended consequences is something like:
I insert an obvious derogatory remark about a tribal group you are very loosely affiliated with.
Since I am closely affiliated with that tribal group, this comment acts as a countersignal and ironically signals affiliation with that group. This also works because the group in question has a history of countersignaling in this fashion and calling it “humor”.
Since a disproportionate fraction up LW readers have past or present emotional connections to that tribal group, this raises my status at LW.
(Something else very Hansonian occurs here)
Profit.
ETA: And actually, this post also signals affiliation with nerdy internet people. Now if only I can find a way to simultaneous signal with people concerned about FAI and signal affiliation with paperclip maximizers, then I’m all set.
This is a nice example of a division of labor based on
relative strengths (at least when your partner does not
happen to have a similar aversion). For me, such a division
is preferable to the idea that roles in (heterosexual)
relationships are determined by the sexes of the respective
partners.
Yeah, I’d have similar preferences if I dated a girl. (I have been in relationships with girls, but never in the “we will go to a place and spend money on food/an activity” style of relationship.)
The division is that Alicorn is not strong with money; she lets her date sort out the money because (while not necessarily strong with money absolute) they are stronger with money than her. Relatively, the date is stronger, so they do the labour of paying.
One possible reason for someone being strong with money is they have lots of it.
Arundelo is making the point that it could have turned out that Alicorn was strong with money and her date was not; in this case Alicorn would have paid. It was not a case of “man pays, woman doesn’t.” It was a case of “those who can most pay, pay.”
That’s not the impression I got. The date ended up paying because Alicorn didn’t want to, and the date not paying would have led to fewer dates. She stated she was prepared to pay half, not prepared to pay full like her date was doing.
(I go on first dates prepared to pay half if my date seems to prefer this idea when I ask, but preparing to do that before every date with a person I intended to see ?regularly would be rapidly exhausting for me, so I’d be leery of going on dates-that-could-cost-money with someone who doesn’t demonstrate an inclination to pay
In the comment just next to mine, she says...
Yeah, I’d have similar preferences if I dated a girl. (I have been in relationships with girls, but never in the “we will go to a place and spend money on food/an activity” style of relationship.)
Which illustrates the reasoning behind PUA advice being to split the bill. It explicitly states that she should only bother spending time with you for your company. If the idea that you two would work out something that didn’t involve spending money never comes up, then she just wasn’t into you.
A lot of my resentment toward your comments has to do with your acceptance (sometimes approaching flaunting) of women’s disproportionate bargaining power in relationships. This attitude makes me feel uncomfortable and sometimes provokes me to write flamey comments, which I then delete. I’m not sure how many other men here feel the same way, maybe I’m the only one, but still.
When my date pays for things/establishes a trend of paying for things, it gives me permission not to fuss about money. I am very, very inclined to fuss about money if any of the money involved is mine, so I find it a huge load off my mind.
Resisting temptation to make obvious joke about your paternal ancestry…
Something along the lines of “ah, and here we see confirmation of your Jewish ancestry.” The joke I was thinking of was simply that your concerns about money as expressed fit very well with negative stereotypes about Jews and money. It really isn’t that funny and is probably anti-humorous when one has to explain it to this level.
When my date pays for things/establishes a trend of paying for things, it gives me permission not to fuss about money. I am very, very inclined to fuss about money if any of the money involved is mine, so I find it a huge load off my mind. (I go on first dates prepared to pay half if my date seems to prefer this idea when I ask, but preparing to do that before every date with a person I intended to see regularly would be rapidly exhausting for me, so I’d be leery of going on dates-that-could-cost-money with someone who doesn’t demonstrate an inclination to pay—though this doesn’t preclude 100% of possible second dates.)
Example: I recently dated a guy who took me out to movies (he paid), and we were trying to think of something else to do besides see movies. I proposed snow tubing, but then discovered that the only snow tubing place open in the area which had a device to pull the tubes up the hill was expensive. I dithered to him about this. If he had said something like “don’t worry about that, I’ve got it”, we would have gone snow tubing. He did not, so we didn’t. (This didn’t preclude another movie date after this non-event.)
I think the relevant joke and intended consequences is something like:
I insert an obvious derogatory remark about a tribal group you are very loosely affiliated with.
Since I am closely affiliated with that tribal group, this comment acts as a countersignal and ironically signals affiliation with that group. This also works because the group in question has a history of countersignaling in this fashion and calling it “humor”.
Since a disproportionate fraction up LW readers have past or present emotional connections to that tribal group, this raises my status at LW.
(Something else very Hansonian occurs here)
Profit.
ETA: And actually, this post also signals affiliation with nerdy internet people. Now if only I can find a way to simultaneous signal with people concerned about FAI and signal affiliation with paperclip maximizers, then I’m all set.
Voted up for being funny. This probably proves some kind of point, doesn’t it?
This is a nice example of a division of labor based on relative strengths (at least when your partner does not happen to have a similar aversion). For me, such a division is preferable to the idea that roles in (heterosexual) relationships are determined by the sexes of the respective partners.
Yeah, I’d have similar preferences if I dated a girl. (I have been in relationships with girls, but never in the “we will go to a place and spend money on food/an activity” style of relationship.)
You mean the relative strengths of having money versus being a woman? I’m not seeing the division here.
The division is that Alicorn is not strong with money; she lets her date sort out the money because (while not necessarily strong with money absolute) they are stronger with money than her. Relatively, the date is stronger, so they do the labour of paying.
One possible reason for someone being strong with money is they have lots of it.
Arundelo is making the point that it could have turned out that Alicorn was strong with money and her date was not; in this case Alicorn would have paid. It was not a case of “man pays, woman doesn’t.” It was a case of “those who can most pay, pay.”
That’s not the impression I got. The date ended up paying because Alicorn didn’t want to, and the date not paying would have led to fewer dates. She stated she was prepared to pay half, not prepared to pay full like her date was doing.
In the comment just next to mine, she says...
Which illustrates the reasoning behind PUA advice being to split the bill. It explicitly states that she should only bother spending time with you for your company. If the idea that you two would work out something that didn’t involve spending money never comes up, then she just wasn’t into you.
It’s the impression arundelo got exactly, unless I miss my mark.
The relative strengths of having money versus whatever Alicorn is strong at.
(To be precise, it’s a matter of comparative advantage rather than strength, with the proviso that if Alicorn’s partner is even worse than her at spending money, they probably won’t do many spending-money dates at all.)
A lot of my resentment toward your comments has to do with your acceptance (sometimes approaching flaunting) of women’s disproportionate bargaining power in relationships. This attitude makes me feel uncomfortable and sometimes provokes me to write flamey comments, which I then delete. I’m not sure how many other men here feel the same way, maybe I’m the only one, but still.
Resisting temptation to make obvious joke about your paternal ancestry…
I’ve scoured the paragraph for possible allusions to make. None of the jokes I can construct are obvious enough to be particularly funny. Bother.
Alicorn is of Jewish ancestry on the paternal side. The real issue is that the obvious jokes just aren’t very funny.
I’m not even sure what the “obvious jokes” are given the hint about my dad’s side of the family being Jewish.
Something along the lines of “ah, and here we see confirmation of your Jewish ancestry.” The joke I was thinking of was simply that your concerns about money as expressed fit very well with negative stereotypes about Jews and money. It really isn’t that funny and is probably anti-humorous when one has to explain it to this level.