It’s important to be capable of severity, and to be able to credibly signal that with an absolute minimum of actual punishment. Be able to show not only that you absolutely can escalate a conflict indefinitely, and that you have more resources to see it through than your opponent, but create a legible process for de-escalating that conflict and finding mutually beneficial alternatives.
Example 1: Getting mugged
For example, I was once nearly mugged/scammed at a stoplight at 3 AM. The woman who tried to mug me tapped on my car window while I was parked at a stoplight and accused me of running over her friend’s backpack. Of course, I’m quite confident that she and her scam artist buddies have a backpack full of junk computer parts that they toss in the street every night hoping somebody will throw money at them to make them go away.
She thought I was drunk because I’d made a wrong turn into the intersection (a reasonable assumption). But I wasn’t, I was actually the designated driver for my group.
I told her this calmly (minimum possible threat), and suggested we pull over on the side of the road to talk. But she kept accusing me of being a drunk driver. Then, suddenly, she reached in through the open window and opened the door from the inside, then leaned in. (Demonstrating severity with minimum escalation).
I screamed (feeling very calm inside) “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR” (trying to demonstrate my own severity). When she didn’t react, I called 911. She kept saying I was a drunk driver, assuming I was bluffing. Then she swatted the phone out of my hand.
When I picked it up and started talking to the cop, telling him what she looked like and demonstrating that I was totally unafraid of having the police show up, she bolted.
When I recounted this to an acquaintance who worked in security, he told me that it’s for situations like this that I should carry a gun.
I thought, and still think, that he’s wrong. A gun is waaaaaaay too much escalation for a situation like that. All I needed was to demonstrate that the power of the law was behind me, and that I was willing to call upon it. By doing things this way, rather than pulling out a pistol and pointing it at her, I also showed her that I was much more interested in letting her walk away than in exacting vengeance.
But that is an exceptional circumstance.
Example 2: Dinner parties
Vastly more of my life is about managing social coordination problems with friends, family, coworkers, students, and so on.
If I’m going to have dinner with my girlfriend’s family, how can I try to promote a conversation that is interesting to me and, hopefully, to others, while also having the other qualities expected of such a social gathering (benevolence)? If that’s not possible—if those other demands make it impossible to sustain an interesting conversation—then how can I minimize my own boredom and exit the situation relatively quickly and gracefully (wisdom)?
I could just say “I find this conversation boring” and walk away (severity). My girlfriend also finds it boring, so on one level, I’d be doing us both a favor (bravery). Maybe it would even lead the rest of her family to reconsider the way they communicate. But I find that outcome unlikely.
Instead, I expect that long-term, unpredictable social unpleasantness would assume, that’s just not worth it. After all, her family outnumbers me 4:1, not including my girlfriend, and I’m the outsider in that setting. I’d have to invite them to a large gathering of my friends.
Perhaps this is an argument in favor of assembling a big posse of friends and allies. It’s not just to have people to exchange ideas with. It’s so that you can invite small groups of people and surround them with your preferred form of weirdness until they realize they’re outnumbered. Likewise, you want to avoid being invited to situations where people who are uninteresting to you outnumber you.
If you must attend an event where you’re outnumbered, bring along several friends, and then try to corner people in small groups where you locally outnumber them.
I’ve honestly never considered this as a lifestyle or a strategy. But it kind of makes sense. It also reminds me of people who not only join a church, but get their whole family to join it as well.
Conclusion
Although I consciously have recognized for a long time how frustrating these social dynamics can be, I’ve rarely if ever conceptualized them as basically a form of relationship conflict. But they are. To feel pressured into participating in a dull social gathering is to be oppressed; to avoid viewing it through that lens is to accept the oppression. To resist it requires identifying it as a conflict, or a form of manufactured consent.
I think that the wise general must recognize that he can’t win every battle. He also must realize when he’s not actually a general. Or when he doesn’t have the respect of his men, or is serving a foolish ruler. Must of the art of war is about avoiding a losing battle, minimizing losses, and convincing the emperor not to pick a fight he can’t possibly win.
It’s important to be capable of severity, and to be able to credibly signal that with an absolute minimum of actual punishment. Be able to show not only that you absolutely can escalate a conflict indefinitely, and that you have more resources to see it through than your opponent, but create a legible process for de-escalating that conflict and finding mutually beneficial alternatives.
Example 1: Getting mugged
For example, I was once nearly mugged/scammed at a stoplight at 3 AM. The woman who tried to mug me tapped on my car window while I was parked at a stoplight and accused me of running over her friend’s backpack. Of course, I’m quite confident that she and her scam artist buddies have a backpack full of junk computer parts that they toss in the street every night hoping somebody will throw money at them to make them go away.
She thought I was drunk because I’d made a wrong turn into the intersection (a reasonable assumption). But I wasn’t, I was actually the designated driver for my group.
I told her this calmly (minimum possible threat), and suggested we pull over on the side of the road to talk. But she kept accusing me of being a drunk driver. Then, suddenly, she reached in through the open window and opened the door from the inside, then leaned in. (Demonstrating severity with minimum escalation).
I screamed (feeling very calm inside) “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR” (trying to demonstrate my own severity). When she didn’t react, I called 911. She kept saying I was a drunk driver, assuming I was bluffing. Then she swatted the phone out of my hand.
When I picked it up and started talking to the cop, telling him what she looked like and demonstrating that I was totally unafraid of having the police show up, she bolted.
When I recounted this to an acquaintance who worked in security, he told me that it’s for situations like this that I should carry a gun.
I thought, and still think, that he’s wrong. A gun is waaaaaaay too much escalation for a situation like that. All I needed was to demonstrate that the power of the law was behind me, and that I was willing to call upon it. By doing things this way, rather than pulling out a pistol and pointing it at her, I also showed her that I was much more interested in letting her walk away than in exacting vengeance.
But that is an exceptional circumstance.
Example 2: Dinner parties
Vastly more of my life is about managing social coordination problems with friends, family, coworkers, students, and so on.
If I’m going to have dinner with my girlfriend’s family, how can I try to promote a conversation that is interesting to me and, hopefully, to others, while also having the other qualities expected of such a social gathering (benevolence)? If that’s not possible—if those other demands make it impossible to sustain an interesting conversation—then how can I minimize my own boredom and exit the situation relatively quickly and gracefully (wisdom)?
I could just say “I find this conversation boring” and walk away (severity). My girlfriend also finds it boring, so on one level, I’d be doing us both a favor (bravery). Maybe it would even lead the rest of her family to reconsider the way they communicate. But I find that outcome unlikely.
Instead, I expect that long-term, unpredictable social unpleasantness would assume, that’s just not worth it. After all, her family outnumbers me 4:1, not including my girlfriend, and I’m the outsider in that setting. I’d have to invite them to a large gathering of my friends.
Perhaps this is an argument in favor of assembling a big posse of friends and allies. It’s not just to have people to exchange ideas with. It’s so that you can invite small groups of people and surround them with your preferred form of weirdness until they realize they’re outnumbered. Likewise, you want to avoid being invited to situations where people who are uninteresting to you outnumber you.
If you must attend an event where you’re outnumbered, bring along several friends, and then try to corner people in small groups where you locally outnumber them.
I’ve honestly never considered this as a lifestyle or a strategy. But it kind of makes sense. It also reminds me of people who not only join a church, but get their whole family to join it as well.
Conclusion
Although I consciously have recognized for a long time how frustrating these social dynamics can be, I’ve rarely if ever conceptualized them as basically a form of relationship conflict. But they are. To feel pressured into participating in a dull social gathering is to be oppressed; to avoid viewing it through that lens is to accept the oppression. To resist it requires identifying it as a conflict, or a form of manufactured consent.
I think that the wise general must recognize that he can’t win every battle. He also must realize when he’s not actually a general. Or when he doesn’t have the respect of his men, or is serving a foolish ruler. Must of the art of war is about avoiding a losing battle, minimizing losses, and convincing the emperor not to pick a fight he can’t possibly win.