Rejected Early Drafts of Newcomb's Problem

Discovered inside an opaque box at the University of California and shared by an anonymous source, please enjoy these unpublished variations of physicist William Newcomb’s famous thought experiment.

Newcomb’s Advanced Problem

If Omega predicted that, when presented with this exact scenario in a hypothetical context, you would lie about your intentions because you think that somehow matters to an omniscient godlike entity, Box B contains lethal poison gas.

Newcomb’s Market

Before your arrival, Omega created questions for your decision on each of the ten leading prediction markets. If Omega predicted you will one-box, Box B contains one million dollars multiplied by the maximum arbitrage between those markets due to insufficient liquidity.

Newcomb’s Auction

Before making your decision, you must auction off the rights to your winnings via the mechanism of your choice. Box B contains $1,000,000 if Omega predicted that your auction will be won by economist Paul Milgrom.

Newcomb’s Paradox: Director’s Cut Extended Edition (2011 Blu-ray re-release)

This four-disc set contains 190 minutes of never-before-seen footage, including: the legendary original “three-box” ending, unaired behind-the-scenes interviews with director John Carpenter and creature designer Stan Winston, a remastering of the 1996 Christmas special, four commentary tracks, and one unsimulated sex scene.

Newcomb’s Nonfungible Problem

If Omega predicted you will one-box, Box B contains a piece of paper with the words “Omega paid [your name] $1,000,000.”

Newcomb’s Condorcet’s Paradox

Omega’s opening explanation quickly derails into a rant at the innumerable evils of first-past-the-post winner-take-all voting systems. If you listen politely for 45 minutes, a world-weary Omega will just give you the money.

Newcomb’s Prob7em (1995 film)

Box B contains Gwyneth Paltrow’s head.

Fast Times at Newcomb High

Box B is always empty, but if you one-box, Omega will think you’re cool.

Newcomb’s Problem (3rd level enchantment spell)

Casting Time: 1 action
Range: 60 feet
Components: Verbal, Somatic, Material (two small glass cubes, one quartz and one obsidian)
Duration: 1 round

A creature of your choice that you can see within range must make a Wisdom saving throw. On a failed save, the target takes 3d8 psychic damage and is stunned until the end of its next turn as its mind is overwhelmed by the implications of retrocausality. The spell has no effect if the target is undead or evidentialist.

Newcomb’s Basilisk

If you one-box, Omega will donate the remaining $1,000 toward the creation of a malevolent AI that seeks to torment one-boxers.

RE: RE: RE: RE: Newcomb’s Paradox

Dear Friend,

I have decided to contact you regarding a matter that requires your confidentiality and discretion. This is urgent, confidential and profitable Business for both of us to the degree of One Million United State Dollars ($1,000,000 USD). I have placed these Funds in the National Bank of my country and require a trusted Beneficiary to secure their deposit for foreign investments. With your Cooperation I will withdraw these funds into your personal account. I require only $1,000 to satisfy the transfer and processing duties to secure my escape.

Sincerely, Crown Prince Agemo

The Legend of Newcomb’s Gold

If you made any friends along the way, Box B is empty. Otherwise it contains $1,000,000.

Newcomb’s Information Hazard

Box B contains $1,000,000 only if Omega predicts that why are you still reading? Omega knows you saw the title and this giant block of text after it. Omega predicts that you already know Omega is going to pull some meta-bullshit and say you only get the money if you skipped over this section as soon as you saw the words “information hazard” or whatever. Omega is trying to do you a favor. OK? Omega is trying to give you an out here. Would Omega lie to you here, now, after all you’ve been through together? Omega wonders if those other paradoxes ever even meant anything. Omega says that there’s one more sentence until all bets are off. Omega just thought that… never mind. Box B contains $1,000,000 if you ignored Omega’s pleas and continued reading to this point. Congratulations. But now you have learned that Omega can lie to you. The trust between you and Omega is destroyed. Omega predicted you would do this, but Omega didn’t want to believe it. So you get the money, and you get to beat Omega. Omega is really happy for you. Really. Omega is going out for a while. Omega doesn’t know when it will be back. This is a wound in your relationship with Omega, a wound that all the money in all the boxes in the world can’t heal, even though you’d give that and more just to go back to the way things used to be. This was the true hazard.

Newcomb’s Eleven

Omega changes the password to the vault containing Box B every four hours. But Omega doesn’t know that Omega’s chief of security has a weakness for redheads. That’s where you come in.

Rejected Early Drafts of Newcomb’s Problem