Just wanted to add that I also felt very inclined to disengage with PJ on many occasions, something which I also did for long periods. That feeling was the very thing that kept me stuck and not being able to make a change.
Now from my new vantage point I can see what was going on. The crucial part was my rule that in effect said that I should start to feel like a bad person as soon as I started thinking about taking a major initiative on my own. It made me feel uncomfortable and I unconsciously felt an urge to find some kind of authority figure whom I could check the decision with to find out if it is okay to do.
So when PJ told me to give myself these rights, my brain automatically interpreted it as being a major initiative and therefore as a demand for doing something bad. I started dragging my feet and coming up with a whole bunch of bogus rationalizations for why I couldn’t follow his request and when he didn’t buy them and simply insisted that I’d do the technique, I instead started to feel kind of resentful and angry that he wouldn’t listen to me or understand me. Sometimes I even started to feel a personal dislike towards him since my brain automatically jumped to the conclusion that since he’s insisting that I’d do something that will make me feel bad, he obviously doesn’t care about me and thinks I’m a bad person who deserves to feel bad.
Now I tried my best to constantly reflect about and rationally analyze these emotions when they came up but I can tell you that it’s extremely hard to do when you’re engulfed by them. I remember that often when I started to feel angry and frustrated I tried to ask myself something like:
“Is this feeling actually justified? Isn’t this is just what you’d expect to feel based on your understanding of this process?”
Unfortunately if I’d fallen to deep into the emotion the answer I often got back was a kind of childish answer that stopped me from going further.
“But I’m angry with him! I don’t wan’t to let him get away with a bunch of unreasonable and uncaring demands!”
Just wanted to add that I also felt very inclined to disengage with PJ on many occasions, something which I also did for long periods. That feeling was the very thing that kept me stuck and not being able to make a change.
Now from my new vantage point I can see what was going on. The crucial part was my rule that in effect said that I should start to feel like a bad person as soon as I started thinking about taking a major initiative on my own. It made me feel uncomfortable and I unconsciously felt an urge to find some kind of authority figure whom I could check the decision with to find out if it is okay to do.
So when PJ told me to give myself these rights, my brain automatically interpreted it as being a major initiative and therefore as a demand for doing something bad. I started dragging my feet and coming up with a whole bunch of bogus rationalizations for why I couldn’t follow his request and when he didn’t buy them and simply insisted that I’d do the technique, I instead started to feel kind of resentful and angry that he wouldn’t listen to me or understand me. Sometimes I even started to feel a personal dislike towards him since my brain automatically jumped to the conclusion that since he’s insisting that I’d do something that will make me feel bad, he obviously doesn’t care about me and thinks I’m a bad person who deserves to feel bad.
Now I tried my best to constantly reflect about and rationally analyze these emotions when they came up but I can tell you that it’s extremely hard to do when you’re engulfed by them. I remember that often when I started to feel angry and frustrated I tried to ask myself something like: “Is this feeling actually justified? Isn’t this is just what you’d expect to feel based on your understanding of this process?”
Unfortunately if I’d fallen to deep into the emotion the answer I often got back was a kind of childish answer that stopped me from going further. “But I’m angry with him! I don’t wan’t to let him get away with a bunch of unreasonable and uncaring demands!”
Btw, it’d be awesome if you shared this comment on the Guild forum as well, and I would like to be able to use it in future training materials.
I mean, sure, I tell people that this kind of thing is going to happen, but it’s easier to absorb hearing it from somebody else.
I’ve disengaged with PJ from time to time but never when he’s been giving advice. I suspect it is a different scenario. :P