Go one step farther. Do that compulsion to agree and be mellow with people you don’t agree with mean you’re a dishonest jerk who’s trying to manipulate them, or does it mean you’re not feeling comfortable with disagreeing with them (for instance because you feel like they’d reject you if you did, which might be painful, or because you do not want to hurt their feelings, or because you feel like you don’t have the social status to do that). Don’t necessarily assume you’re evil.
For instance I know I hate lying mostly because I am feeling insecure enough to think I wouldn’t get away with it. This stems from a difficulty to put myself in other’s shoes. If I know how and what I lied about, then surely I can imagine many ways in which they’ll eventually uncover my lie.
Another reason why I may come to dislike social relationships is because I harbor few illusions about human motivation and drives. Most interactions with people can be interpreted as manipulation to get your way, if you try hard enough to see it that way. My issue with that is, however, that I don’t want to have such a relationship with others. I naively crave a natural, hassle-free relationship where I’m being liked and like others unconditionally. So whenever I think in terms of what strings I need to pull to move others, I feel bad about it because I don’t want to have a relationship with puppets, I want to have a relationship with real people. Yet, I can’t exactly believe relationships are magical in that way—nothing is for free or unconditional, and there are definite winning and losing moves in social relationships. So I’m torn between what I want (not over analyzing stuff and just getting along with people) and what I believe (that if I don’t do that, then I may fail at being adequately social).
Go one step farther. Do that compulsion to agree and be mellow with people you don’t agree with mean you’re a dishonest jerk who’s trying to manipulate them, or does it mean you’re not feeling comfortable with disagreeing with them (for instance because you feel like they’d reject you if you did, which might be painful, or because you do not want to hurt their feelings, or because you feel like you don’t have the social status to do that). Don’t necessarily assume you’re evil.
For instance I know I hate lying mostly because I am feeling insecure enough to think I wouldn’t get away with it. This stems from a difficulty to put myself in other’s shoes. If I know how and what I lied about, then surely I can imagine many ways in which they’ll eventually uncover my lie.
Another reason why I may come to dislike social relationships is because I harbor few illusions about human motivation and drives. Most interactions with people can be interpreted as manipulation to get your way, if you try hard enough to see it that way. My issue with that is, however, that I don’t want to have such a relationship with others. I naively crave a natural, hassle-free relationship where I’m being liked and like others unconditionally. So whenever I think in terms of what strings I need to pull to move others, I feel bad about it because I don’t want to have a relationship with puppets, I want to have a relationship with real people. Yet, I can’t exactly believe relationships are magical in that way—nothing is for free or unconditional, and there are definite winning and losing moves in social relationships. So I’m torn between what I want (not over analyzing stuff and just getting along with people) and what I believe (that if I don’t do that, then I may fail at being adequately social).