I might be interested in giving a fuller critique of this at some point (but then who the hell am I), but for now I’ll confine myself to just one point:
It was, of course, a highly ceremonial occasion...
The reader knows that the narrator knows more about this world than they do. The reader is okay with that. Trying to impart information by pretending that the reader already knows it seems clumsy and distracting to me. Compare with:
It was a highly ceremonial occasion, excruciatingly ritualized, and he was bored.
I think this is fine. No need to pretend you’re the reader’s chum.
Okay, I wrote up my thoughts, but it’s pretty long and I’m not sure it’s fair to post it here (also it’s too long for a PM). Do you have an email I can send it to?
Apparently you now come with references. Any interest in joining my betabet*? (It generally meets on IRC and betas in realtime; I don’t know if that works for you. You would also need to be caught up on Elcenia, unless you want to do only short stories the way my thetabeta does.)
*My betas get Greek letter designations (alphabeta, betabeta, etc.) and are collectively a betabet, analogous to an alphabet.
I guess so, although looking at it now Elcenia seems to be pretty massive. It will take me a couple of weeks to catch up at least (unless it’s exceptionally compelling, it which case damn you in advance for taking up all my time), and we also have to allow for the possibility that it’s not just my kind of thing, in which case trying to finish it will make me miserable and I won’t be much use to you anyway. But sure, I’ll give it a shot.
I might be interested in giving a fuller critique of this at some point (but then who the hell am I), but for now I’ll confine myself to just one point:
The reader knows that the narrator knows more about this world than they do. The reader is okay with that. Trying to impart information by pretending that the reader already knows it seems clumsy and distracting to me. Compare with:
I think this is fine. No need to pretend you’re the reader’s chum.
Thanks for the note—and I’d be very happy to see any other comments you might have.
Okay, I wrote up my thoughts, but it’s pretty long and I’m not sure it’s fair to post it here (also it’s too long for a PM). Do you have an email I can send it to?
It’s my handle @ sonic.net. Thanks in advance!
Sent.
Apparently you now come with references. Any interest in joining my betabet*? (It generally meets on IRC and betas in realtime; I don’t know if that works for you. You would also need to be caught up on Elcenia, unless you want to do only short stories the way my thetabeta does.)
*My betas get Greek letter designations (alphabeta, betabeta, etc.) and are collectively a betabet, analogous to an alphabet.
I guess so, although looking at it now Elcenia seems to be pretty massive. It will take me a couple of weeks to catch up at least (unless it’s exceptionally compelling, it which case damn you in advance for taking up all my time), and we also have to allow for the possibility that it’s not just my kind of thing, in which case trying to finish it will make me miserable and I won’t be much use to you anyway. But sure, I’ll give it a shot.
Yeah, this was fantastic. Note to other Less Wrong readers: APMason is an excellent beta reader.