trying to use your brain to understand something that is not like your brain.
We can’t use our brains to understand brains that are like our brains. We don’t have that kind of access. Empathy is a function and not something you just get for free on account of similarity. Where we have obvious faculties in this area—understanding the emotional state of another person—I don’t see any strong differences between same sex and opposite sex empathy. We can all tell when a member of the opposite sex is distressed; the hard part is figuring out why. Where there are such differences—as with motivations—I don’t see much evidence that we’re particular talented at getting it right with members of the same sex either.
Anecdotally, the few times I’ve had to wrestle with the motivations of a member of the same sex to the same degree one does in relationships on a regular basis, they’ve been completely opaque to me. But it’s rare that a member of the same sex is in the position to really screw with you to the point that you dwell on their motivations. Nor are we particularly concerned with pleasing them or self-conscious about how they perceive us. If you listen to a man or woman talk about the motivations of a problematic same sex family member, an area where we often do have volatile relationships, it can be quite similar to how men and women talk about their partners (i.e., total confusion, disbelief, etc). Even the way people talk about their bosses can be similar.
So while I’d never claim to understand women, I’d challenge the claim that I understand men.
I think you have to be careful when you say,
We can’t use our brains to understand brains that are like our brains. We don’t have that kind of access. Empathy is a function and not something you just get for free on account of similarity. Where we have obvious faculties in this area—understanding the emotional state of another person—I don’t see any strong differences between same sex and opposite sex empathy. We can all tell when a member of the opposite sex is distressed; the hard part is figuring out why. Where there are such differences—as with motivations—I don’t see much evidence that we’re particular talented at getting it right with members of the same sex either.
Anecdotally, the few times I’ve had to wrestle with the motivations of a member of the same sex to the same degree one does in relationships on a regular basis, they’ve been completely opaque to me. But it’s rare that a member of the same sex is in the position to really screw with you to the point that you dwell on their motivations. Nor are we particularly concerned with pleasing them or self-conscious about how they perceive us. If you listen to a man or woman talk about the motivations of a problematic same sex family member, an area where we often do have volatile relationships, it can be quite similar to how men and women talk about their partners (i.e., total confusion, disbelief, etc). Even the way people talk about their bosses can be similar.
So while I’d never claim to understand women, I’d challenge the claim that I understand men.