My friend (call her Sarah) explained to me how she and her boyfriend (Mike) were different: she was “tactile” and liked to get presents—just something to keep and hold—to make her feel loved; he was “auditory” and liked to hear her say that she loved him.
Then Valentine’s Day came round. Sarah bought Mike a present. She didn’t phone him. He phoned to tell her he loved her. He didn’t buy her a present. Both felt seriously disappointed, and it took a little outside flirting and jealousy to kick-start the relationship again.
Question:
Did Sarah understand Mike? She could articulate important differences, but seemed unable to act accordingly, to accept his actions, to communicate her needs to him, or even to understand why V-Day went sour.
Anecdote #2:
My partner and I are both introverts, by the strict definition (i.e. introverts recharge their batteries by time spent alone, extroverts by time with other people); yet we have both lived and worked together for the past 9+ years without argument or regret, and can’t imagine wanting to separate.
I know that’s rare, and is partly due to good luck; but the really crucial thing is that Nic has never criticised me—not even by an impatient sigh or lift of the eyebrow—and I pay him the same compliment. We both have faults, but we’re neither worse than the other, so it’s easy to accept any annoyances and irritations without taking it personally. Our brains work in quite different ways. That seems positive rather than negative; it makes for interesting discussions, and we still puzzle, amuse or surprise each other sometimes.
Question #2: How far does understanding need to go? Some understanding of differences is helpful, but only when it’s followed by acceptance of the differences. That’s an attitude rather than an exercise in logic.
An anecdote, followed by a question:
My friend (call her Sarah) explained to me how she and her boyfriend (Mike) were different: she was “tactile” and liked to get presents—just something to keep and hold—to make her feel loved; he was “auditory” and liked to hear her say that she loved him.
Then Valentine’s Day came round. Sarah bought Mike a present. She didn’t phone him. He phoned to tell her he loved her. He didn’t buy her a present. Both felt seriously disappointed, and it took a little outside flirting and jealousy to kick-start the relationship again.
Question:
Did Sarah understand Mike? She could articulate important differences, but seemed unable to act accordingly, to accept his actions, to communicate her needs to him, or even to understand why V-Day went sour.
Anecdote #2:
My partner and I are both introverts, by the strict definition (i.e. introverts recharge their batteries by time spent alone, extroverts by time with other people); yet we have both lived and worked together for the past 9+ years without argument or regret, and can’t imagine wanting to separate.
I know that’s rare, and is partly due to good luck; but the really crucial thing is that Nic has never criticised me—not even by an impatient sigh or lift of the eyebrow—and I pay him the same compliment. We both have faults, but we’re neither worse than the other, so it’s easy to accept any annoyances and irritations without taking it personally. Our brains work in quite different ways. That seems positive rather than negative; it makes for interesting discussions, and we still puzzle, amuse or surprise each other sometimes.
Question #2: How far does understanding need to go? Some understanding of differences is helpful, but only when it’s followed by acceptance of the differences. That’s an attitude rather than an exercise in logic.