Besides some very important internal work, there were a few external events that made me feel generally more secure.
Probably the most important one was that I’ve tended to often have the experience of growing close to a friend and spending a lot of time with them, only for their life to then head to a different direction where they couldn’t spend as much time with me anymore. E.g. one of my close friends had a child and had to focus on family obligations, while another moved to the US to study. Combined with a series of unsuccessful romantic relationships, I had a sense of “I can’t trust anyone I care about to stay in my life”.
Now a few years back I moved to a small group house and grew close to someone who also lived there, until eventually she moved out to live together with her boyfriend. Now you might think that this would have reinforced my “everyone I care about keeps leaving me” schema, but it turned out to have the opposite effect, because she has very clearly and obviously wanted to stay in touch and continue to hang out even now that we’re no longer living together. That gave me evidence that someone’s priorities making them more distant from me doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ll practically disappear from my life, after all.
What happened in your life that made you feel more secure?
Besides some very important internal work, there were a few external events that made me feel generally more secure.
Probably the most important one was that I’ve tended to often have the experience of growing close to a friend and spending a lot of time with them, only for their life to then head to a different direction where they couldn’t spend as much time with me anymore. E.g. one of my close friends had a child and had to focus on family obligations, while another moved to the US to study. Combined with a series of unsuccessful romantic relationships, I had a sense of “I can’t trust anyone I care about to stay in my life”.
Now a few years back I moved to a small group house and grew close to someone who also lived there, until eventually she moved out to live together with her boyfriend. Now you might think that this would have reinforced my “everyone I care about keeps leaving me” schema, but it turned out to have the opposite effect, because she has very clearly and obviously wanted to stay in touch and continue to hang out even now that we’re no longer living together. That gave me evidence that someone’s priorities making them more distant from me doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ll practically disappear from my life, after all.