When circling was first discussed here, there was a comment that led to a lengthy discussion about boundaries, but nobody seemed to dispute its other main claim, that “it is highly unlikely that [somebody] would have 3-11 people they reasonably trusted enough to have [group] sex with”. Do you agree with that statement, and if so, do you think that the circling/sex analogy is invalid?
The truth of that literal statement depends on exactly how much trust someone would need in somebody else before having sex with them—e.g. to my knowledge, studies tend to find that most single men but very few if any women would be willing to have sex with a total stranger. Though I’ve certainly also known women who have had a relatively low bar of getting into bed with someone, even if they wouldn’t quite do it with a total stranger.
But more relevantly, even if that statement was correct, I don’t think it’d be a particularly good analogy to Circling. It seems to involve the “obligatory openness” fallacy that I mentioned before. I’m not sure why some people with Circling experience seemed to endorse it, but I’m guessing it has to do with some Circling groups being more into intimacy than others. (At the time of that discussion, I had only Circled once or twice, so probably didn’t feel like I had enough experience to dispute claims by more experienced people.)
My own experience with Circling is that it’s more like meeting a stranger for coffee. If both (all) of you feel like you want to take it all the way to having sex, you certainly can. But if you want to keep it to relatively shallow and guarded conversation because you don’t feel like you trust the other person enough for anything else, you can do that too. Or you can go back and forth in the level of intimacy, depending on how the conversation feels to you and what topics it touches on. In my experience of Circling, I definitely wouldn’t say that it feeling anywhere near as intimate as sex would be the norm.
You can also build up that trust over time. I think Circling is best when done with people who you already have some pre-existing reason to trust, or in a long-term group where you can get to know the people involved. That way, even if you start at a relatively shallow level, you can go deeper over time if (and only if) that feels right.
When circling was first discussed here, there was a comment that led to a lengthy discussion about boundaries, but nobody seemed to dispute its other main claim, that “it is highly unlikely that [somebody] would have 3-11 people they reasonably trusted enough to have [group] sex with”. Do you agree with that statement, and if so, do you think that the circling/sex analogy is invalid?
The truth of that literal statement depends on exactly how much trust someone would need in somebody else before having sex with them—e.g. to my knowledge, studies tend to find that most single men but very few if any women would be willing to have sex with a total stranger. Though I’ve certainly also known women who have had a relatively low bar of getting into bed with someone, even if they wouldn’t quite do it with a total stranger.
But more relevantly, even if that statement was correct, I don’t think it’d be a particularly good analogy to Circling. It seems to involve the “obligatory openness” fallacy that I mentioned before. I’m not sure why some people with Circling experience seemed to endorse it, but I’m guessing it has to do with some Circling groups being more into intimacy than others. (At the time of that discussion, I had only Circled once or twice, so probably didn’t feel like I had enough experience to dispute claims by more experienced people.)
My own experience with Circling is that it’s more like meeting a stranger for coffee. If both (all) of you feel like you want to take it all the way to having sex, you certainly can. But if you want to keep it to relatively shallow and guarded conversation because you don’t feel like you trust the other person enough for anything else, you can do that too. Or you can go back and forth in the level of intimacy, depending on how the conversation feels to you and what topics it touches on. In my experience of Circling, I definitely wouldn’t say that it feeling anywhere near as intimate as sex would be the norm.
You can also build up that trust over time. I think Circling is best when done with people who you already have some pre-existing reason to trust, or in a long-term group where you can get to know the people involved. That way, even if you start at a relatively shallow level, you can go deeper over time if (and only if) that feels right.