Separately, a friend pointed out that an important part of apologies is the doer showing they understand the damage done, and the person hurt feeling heard, which I don’t think I’ve done much of above. An attempt:
I hear you as saying that you felt a strong sense of disapproval from me; that I was unpredictable in my frustration as kept you feeling (perhaps) regularly on-edge and stressed; that you felt I lacked interest in your efforts or attention for you; and perhaps that this was particularly disorienting given the impression you had of me both from my in-person writing and from private textual communication about unrelated issues. Plus that you had additional stress from uncertainty about whether talking about your apprehension was OK, given your belief (and the belief of your friends) that perhaps my work was important and you wouldn’t want to disrupt it.
This sounds demoralizing, and like it sucks.
I think it might be helpful for me to gain this understanding (as, e.g., might make certain harms more emotionally-salient in ways that make some of my updates sink deeper). I don’t think I understand very deeply how you felt. I have some guesses, but strongly expect I’m missing a bunch of important aspects of your experience. I’d be interested to hear more (publicly or privately) about it and could keep showing my (mis)understanding as my model improves, if you’d like (though also I do not consider you to owe me any engagement; no pressure).
Separately, a friend pointed out that an important part of apologies is the doer showing they understand the damage done, and the person hurt feeling heard, which I don’t think I’ve done much of above. An attempt:
I hear you as saying that you felt a strong sense of disapproval from me; that I was unpredictable in my frustration as kept you feeling (perhaps) regularly on-edge and stressed; that you felt I lacked interest in your efforts or attention for you; and perhaps that this was particularly disorienting given the impression you had of me both from my in-person writing and from private textual communication about unrelated issues. Plus that you had additional stress from uncertainty about whether talking about your apprehension was OK, given your belief (and the belief of your friends) that perhaps my work was important and you wouldn’t want to disrupt it.
This sounds demoralizing, and like it sucks.
I think it might be helpful for me to gain this understanding (as, e.g., might make certain harms more emotionally-salient in ways that make some of my updates sink deeper). I don’t think I understand very deeply how you felt. I have some guesses, but strongly expect I’m missing a bunch of important aspects of your experience. I’d be interested to hear more (publicly or privately) about it and could keep showing my (mis)understanding as my model improves, if you’d like (though also I do not consider you to owe me any engagement; no pressure).