Epistemic status: really shaky, but I think there’s something here.
I naturally feel a lot of resistance to the way culture/norm differences are characterized in posts like Ask and Guess and Wait vs Interrupt Culture. I naturally want to give them little pet names, like:
Guess culture = “read my fucking mind, you badwrong idiot” culture.
Ask culture = nothing, because this is just how normal, non-insane people act.
I think this feeling is generated by various negative experiences I’ve had with people around me, who, no matter where I am, always seem to share between them one culture or another that I don’t really understand the rules of. This leads to a lot of interactions where I’m being told by everyone around me that I’m being a jerk, even when I can “clearly see” that their is nothing I could have done that would have been correct in their eyes, or that what they wanted me to do was impossible or unreasonable.
But I’m starting to wonder if I need to let go of this. When I feel someone is treating me unfairly, it could just be because (1) they are speaking in Culture 1, then (2) I am listening in Culture 2 and hearing something they don’t mean to transmit. If I was more tuned in to what people meant to say, my perception of people who use other norms might change.
I feel there’s at least one more important pair of cultures, and although I haven’t mentioned it yet, it’s the one I had in mind most while writing this post. Something like:
Culture 1: Everyone speaks for themselves only, unless explicitly stated otherwise. Putting words in someone’s mouth or saying that they are “implying” something they didn’t literally say is completely unacceptable. False accusations are taken seriously and reflect poorly on the accuser.
Culture 2: The things you say reflect not only on you but also on people “associated” with you. If X is what you believe, you might have to say Y instead if saying X could be taken the wrong way. If someone is being a jerk, you don’t have to extend the courtesy of articulating their mistake to them correctly; you can just shun them off in whatever way is easiest.
I don’t really know how real this dichotomy is, and if it is real, I don’t know for sure how I feel about one being “right” and the other being “wrong”. I tried semi-hard to give a neutral take on the distinction, but I don’t think I succeeded. Can people reading this tell which culture I naturally feel opposed to? Do you think I’ve correctly put my finger on another real dichotomy? Which set of norms, if either, do you feel more in tune with?
I think this feeling is generated by various negative experiences I’ve had with people around me, who, no matter where I am, always seem to share between them one culture or another that I don’t really understand the rules of. This leads to a lot of interactions where I’m being told by everyone around me that I’m being a jerk, even when I can “clearly see” that their is nothing I could have done that would have been correct in their eyes, or that what they wanted me to do was impossible or unreasonable.
Is it because they’re expecting you to read their mind, and go along with their “culture”, instead of asking you?
it (the negative experiences) - Are *they (the negative experiences) the result of (people with a “culture” who’s rules rules you don’t understand) expecting you to read *their mind, and go along with their “culture”, instead of asking you to go along with their culture?
Aha, no, the mind reading part is just one of several cultures I’m mentioning. (Guess Culture, to be exact.) If I default to being an Asker but somebody else is a Guesser, I might have the following interaction with them:
Me: [looking at some cookies they just made] These look delicious! Would it be all right if I ate one?
Them: [obviously uncomfortable] Uhm… uh… I mean, I guess so...
Here, it’s retroactively clear that, in their eyes, I’ve overstepped a boundary just by asking. But I usually can’t tell in advance what things I’m allowed to ask and what things I’m not allowed to ask. There could be some rule that I just haven’t discovered yet, but because I haven’t discovered it yet, it feels to me like each case is arbitrary, and thus it feels like I’m being required to read people’s minds each time. Hence why I’m tempted to call Guess Culture as “Read-my-mind Culture”.
(Contrast this to Ask Culture, where the rule is, to me, very simple and easy to discover: every request is acceptable to make, and if the other person doesn’t want you to do what you’re asking to do, they just say “no”.)
It might be hard to take a normative stance, but if culture 1 makes you feel better AND leads to better results AND helps people individuate and makes adults out of them, then maybe it’s just, y’know, better. Not “better” in the naive mistake-theorist assumption that there is such a thing as a moral truth, but “better” in the correct conflict-theorist assumption that it just suits you and me and we will exert our power to make it more widely adopted, for the sake of us and our enlightened ideals.
Epistemic status: really shaky, but I think there’s something here.
I naturally feel a lot of resistance to the way culture/norm differences are characterized in posts like Ask and Guess and Wait vs Interrupt Culture. I naturally want to give them little pet names, like:
Guess culture = “read my fucking mind, you badwrong idiot” culture.
Ask culture = nothing, because this is just how normal, non-insane people act.
I think this feeling is generated by various negative experiences I’ve had with people around me, who, no matter where I am, always seem to share between them one culture or another that I don’t really understand the rules of. This leads to a lot of interactions where I’m being told by everyone around me that I’m being a jerk, even when I can “clearly see” that their is nothing I could have done that would have been correct in their eyes, or that what they wanted me to do was impossible or unreasonable.
But I’m starting to wonder if I need to let go of this. When I feel someone is treating me unfairly, it could just be because (1) they are speaking in Culture 1, then (2) I am listening in Culture 2 and hearing something they don’t mean to transmit. If I was more tuned in to what people meant to say, my perception of people who use other norms might change.
I feel there’s at least one more important pair of cultures, and although I haven’t mentioned it yet, it’s the one I had in mind most while writing this post. Something like:
Culture 1: Everyone speaks for themselves only, unless explicitly stated otherwise. Putting words in someone’s mouth or saying that they are “implying” something they didn’t literally say is completely unacceptable. False accusations are taken seriously and reflect poorly on the accuser.
Culture 2: The things you say reflect not only on you but also on people “associated” with you. If X is what you believe, you might have to say Y instead if saying X could be taken the wrong way. If someone is being a jerk, you don’t have to extend the courtesy of articulating their mistake to them correctly; you can just shun them off in whatever way is easiest.
I don’t really know how real this dichotomy is, and if it is real, I don’t know for sure how I feel about one being “right” and the other being “wrong”. I tried semi-hard to give a neutral take on the distinction, but I don’t think I succeeded. Can people reading this tell which culture I naturally feel opposed to? Do you think I’ve correctly put my finger on another real dichotomy? Which set of norms, if either, do you feel more in tune with?
Is it because they’re expecting you to read their mind, and go along with their “culture”, instead of asking you?
I couldn’t parse this question. Which part are you referring to by “it”, and what do you mean by “instead of asking you”?
it (the negative experiences) - Are *they (the negative experiences) the result of (people with a “culture” who’s rules rules you don’t understand) expecting you to read *their mind, and go along with their “culture”, instead of asking you to go along with their culture?
Aha, no, the mind reading part is just one of several cultures I’m mentioning. (Guess Culture, to be exact.) If I default to being an Asker but somebody else is a Guesser, I might have the following interaction with them:
Me: [looking at some cookies they just made] These look delicious! Would it be all right if I ate one?
Them: [obviously uncomfortable] Uhm… uh… I mean, I guess so...
Here, it’s retroactively clear that, in their eyes, I’ve overstepped a boundary just by asking. But I usually can’t tell in advance what things I’m allowed to ask and what things I’m not allowed to ask. There could be some rule that I just haven’t discovered yet, but because I haven’t discovered it yet, it feels to me like each case is arbitrary, and thus it feels like I’m being required to read people’s minds each time. Hence why I’m tempted to call Guess Culture as “Read-my-mind Culture”.
(Contrast this to Ask Culture, where the rule is, to me, very simple and easy to discover: every request is acceptable to make, and if the other person doesn’t want you to do what you’re asking to do, they just say “no”.)
It might be hard to take a normative stance, but if culture 1 makes you feel better AND leads to better results AND helps people individuate and makes adults out of them, then maybe it’s just, y’know, better. Not “better” in the naive mistake-theorist assumption that there is such a thing as a moral truth, but “better” in the correct conflict-theorist assumption that it just suits you and me and we will exert our power to make it more widely adopted, for the sake of us and our enlightened ideals.