I am trying to be more empathetic with someone, and am having trouble understanding their behavior. They practice the “stubborn fundamental attribution error”: someone who does not in fact behave as expected (as this individual imagines she would behave in their place) is harshly judged (neurotic, stupid, lazy, etc.). Any attempts to help her put herself in another’s shoes are implacably resisted. Any explanations which might dispel harsh judgement are dismissed as “justifications”. One example which I think is related is what I’ll call “metaphor blindness”. A metaphor that I expect would clarify the issue, the starkest example of which is a reductio ad absurdum, is rejected out of hand as being “not the same” or “not relevant”. In abstract terms, my toolkit for achieving consensus or exploring issues rationally has been rendered useless.
Two questions: does my concept of “metaphor blindness” seem reasonable?
And...how can I be more empathetic in this case? I’m being judgemental of her, by my own admission. What am I not seeing?
I will tentatively suggest panic—she feels so much at risk from other people’s negative opinions that she feels she can’t afford to cut them any slack. This may help you feel more kindly toward her, but I don’t know if it will help you deal with her. Does she have any good points that you can see?
Your current model of her is a person who completely lacks empathy. Trying to put yourself in the shoes of someone unable to put themself in someone else’s shoes sounds insoluble; there must be some way to change the parameters of the problem.
If I udnerstand what you mean, I used to see ‘metaphor blindness’ in a lot of people. But I think it’s more about how much people wall off the relevant bit of the metaphor/analogy from the general tone. I see this a lot in politics, on all sides, and I don’t think the ‘metaphor blind’ people are just deliberately misunderstanding to score points. It may be not being able to separate the two, or it may be a feeling on their part that the metaphor is smuggling in unfair implications.
For instance, on same sex marriage (a good case for me to observe this because I’m instinctively pro- and the cases I’m looking at are metaphor-blindness by people who are also pro-), two arguments come to mind
1) Pro-SSM argument ‘Marriage should be allowed as long as there is consent between the two people’. Counter-analogy ‘But on those grounds, incestuous marriage or polygamy should also be allowed’
2) Pro-SSM argument ‘If you don’t like gay marriage, don’t get gay married’. Counter-analogy: “Imagine for a moment that the Government had decided to legalise slavery but assured us that ’no one will be forced to keep a slave. Would such worthless assurances calm our fury? Would they justify dismantling a fundamental human right? Or would they simply amount to weasel words masking a great wrong?” (this one is a direct quote from a Cardinal)
In these cases, the general response from pro-SSM people has been ‘I can’t believe you’re comparing gay marriage to incest/slavery’. Because the toxicity of the comparison point overwhelms the quite focused analogy in both cases. People often feel the same when you try to convince them of something by analogy, particularly if they feel like you are trying to show that they are wrong by intellectual force rather than just taking them along with you. It took me awhile to adjust to this one: I just felt everyone else was [i]wrong[/i], and at a gut level I still do, and prefer arguing with people who take analogies in a narrow sense. But eventually, in line with the post above, you can’t repeatedly, reliably, have failed communications with the rest of society and consider everyone else to be the aberration.
On the other hand, using such “toxic” comparisons is valuable because due to their very toxicity, everyone believes the same thing about them. You can’t argue “but on those grounds, slurping your soup would be permissible”—after all, some people do think that slurping your soup is permissible, so on those people, the analogy would fail, and some other people have no opinion on soup-slurping and will insist that you prove that it’s not permissible before they’ll accept it in an analogy. Godwin’s Law, which is a variation on this, has a similar problem: often a Hitler comparison is the best kind of comparison to make because everyone agrees about Hitler.
Indeed. Which is why I like having discussions with people who follow the same ruleset as me and engages with metaphors in that pure, stripped-down way. It saves a hell of a lot of time. But there are lots of things that save time in communication that do not make for good communication in general.
Two questions: does my concept of “metaphor blindness” seem reasonable?
Possibly. But since we’re on the topic of empathy, I’d like to emphasize that definitely among the most treasured practices I’ve found is finding a way to understand why what the other person is doing is sensible to them. Even if I can’t see the reason, it’s there. So, it’s really critical to remove every hint of a judgmental tone even from one’s own mind when trying to understand another person. (You can turn it back on later, but while in the process of empathizing it seems to be critical not to evaluate.)
Assuming you’re accurate and this person really can’t “see” metaphors, I think the next question to ask is, “What is it like to experience the world with this metaphor blindness?” Or more generally, “Why does this person’s actions make sense?”
In this respect I take a page from Buddhism. I find that my ability to empathize with others is tremendously greater if I can (a) understand in what sense their negative behavior arises from some kind of suffering and (b) cultivate a wish that they weren’t suffering (which is what many Buddhists mean by “compassion”). I simply don’t do this to “end the karmic cycle of death and rebirth”; instead, I do it because I’ve found that it enriches my life and helps me understand others tremendously better.
For what it’s worth!
And...how can I be more empathetic in this case?
Again, in your position, I would ask myself “In what sense does this person’s behavior make sense?” As I wrestle with this question, I know I’ve hit on a viable hypothesis when everything suddenly becomes clear and I no longer feel any sense of judgment or frustration with the person.
In this case, I wonder if you might be conflating two different issues. Empathy is a matter of understanding another person’s experience from their point of view, but it sounds to me like your concern is with the fact that this person doesn’t seem to abide by basic laws of reason. In particular, you say:
In abstract terms, my toolkit for achieving consensus or exploring issues rationally has been rendered useless.
It might be that exploring issues rationally isn’t a driving desire for this person like it is for you. If it is—that is, if this person identifies with being reasonable and objective despite not being so from your perspective—then this person’s behavior is a loud signal of their suffering. For instance, the harsh sense of rejection of others as stupid, incompetent, useless, etc. really strikes me as a distancing behavior. The fact that they reject arguments against their arguments as “irrelevant” also seems like a way of choosing to cling to the value of their arguments, as though their sense of self-worth is somehow tied up in their ability to believe those arguments—which, again, seems to suggest a fear of letting others get too close. So the question I would gravitate toward is, “Why does this person need emotional distance from others?”
(Based on way too little information, by the way, I have to wonder if the person you’re describing is an Enneagram type Five at Health Level 6. If so, they’ll also tend to have a nihilistic attitude toward the world, as though nothing really matters. Not depression per se, but a sense of pointlessness to life and a kind of irritation that others are so stupid as to be blind to said pointlessness. They’ll also be driven to impress upon others how intelligent and unusual they are, and will often gleefully share uncomfortable truths that disturb others’ sense of the world being okay. If that doesn’t describe the person to a ‘T’, though, then disregard this suggestion!)
You might find that you have to distinguish between having rational conversations with this person on the one hand and coming to a rational consensus on the other. Someone who uses the cloak of logic to hide from others isn’t likely to be open to logic as a way of opening up to others, so you’re fighting the emotional brain on that one. But if you can “get” why they feel like their distancing behavior makes sense, you might be able to use your understanding to help them relax a little bit and choose courses of action for whatever you’re talking about that make sense. They might need to justify it in weird ways you disagree with, but I think the actions people take are generally more important than the reasons they tell themselves for why those actions make sense.
Seems to me you are facing a person who lacks both logic and imagination, be wary that you don’t commit the fundamental attribution error yourself about her! I too have a relationship with a female who displays the same characteristics you describe.
Ask yourself what’s her buy in for understanding things the way you are presenting them—its plausible that she doesn’t have a buy in, that she believes that accepting what you’ve got to say will in fact lessen/harm her in some way. It’s quite possible that in her life thinking that way has been very useful—are you willing to take that away?
How much patience have you got?
It’s a long tough road.
Some things that have worked for me. Occasionally encourage her frustration, even to point of tears, because at that point she is more willing to open her mind to a different way of thinking. It’s truth that in a sense we are manipulating her, from her perspective, who are we to do so, what’s our reason for doing this, you’ll have to have very sure answers for those questions.
Be positive, be consistent, keep showing that there is a difference between how she thinks and who she is, she needs some distance between the mistakes she makes and her self esteem and self efficacy. If she can create that distance for herself, she’ll be more inclined to create that distance for others.
Model the thinking and behaviour you believe is useful, show the benefits—and costs.
Keep in mind that her situation is part of the issue, changing her situation will give her more ability to experience how if situations change people’s responses change, she gets to experience for herself how the fundamental attribution error functions… that’s been the most effective way I’ve helped.
I am trying to be more empathetic with someone, and am having trouble understanding their behavior. They practice the “stubborn fundamental attribution error”: someone who does not in fact behave as expected (as this individual imagines she would behave in their place) is harshly judged (neurotic, stupid, lazy, etc.). Any attempts to help her put herself in another’s shoes are implacably resisted. Any explanations which might dispel harsh judgement are dismissed as “justifications”. One example which I think is related is what I’ll call “metaphor blindness”. A metaphor that I expect would clarify the issue, the starkest example of which is a reductio ad absurdum, is rejected out of hand as being “not the same” or “not relevant”. In abstract terms, my toolkit for achieving consensus or exploring issues rationally has been rendered useless.
Two questions: does my concept of “metaphor blindness” seem reasonable? And...how can I be more empathetic in this case? I’m being judgemental of her, by my own admission. What am I not seeing?
I will tentatively suggest panic—she feels so much at risk from other people’s negative opinions that she feels she can’t afford to cut them any slack. This may help you feel more kindly toward her, but I don’t know if it will help you deal with her. Does she have any good points that you can see?
Your current model of her is a person who completely lacks empathy. Trying to put yourself in the shoes of someone unable to put themself in someone else’s shoes sounds insoluble; there must be some way to change the parameters of the problem.
If I udnerstand what you mean, I used to see ‘metaphor blindness’ in a lot of people. But I think it’s more about how much people wall off the relevant bit of the metaphor/analogy from the general tone. I see this a lot in politics, on all sides, and I don’t think the ‘metaphor blind’ people are just deliberately misunderstanding to score points. It may be not being able to separate the two, or it may be a feeling on their part that the metaphor is smuggling in unfair implications.
For instance, on same sex marriage (a good case for me to observe this because I’m instinctively pro- and the cases I’m looking at are metaphor-blindness by people who are also pro-), two arguments come to mind
1) Pro-SSM argument ‘Marriage should be allowed as long as there is consent between the two people’. Counter-analogy ‘But on those grounds, incestuous marriage or polygamy should also be allowed’ 2) Pro-SSM argument ‘If you don’t like gay marriage, don’t get gay married’. Counter-analogy: “Imagine for a moment that the Government had decided to legalise slavery but assured us that ’no one will be forced to keep a slave. Would such worthless assurances calm our fury? Would they justify dismantling a fundamental human right? Or would they simply amount to weasel words masking a great wrong?” (this one is a direct quote from a Cardinal)
In these cases, the general response from pro-SSM people has been ‘I can’t believe you’re comparing gay marriage to incest/slavery’. Because the toxicity of the comparison point overwhelms the quite focused analogy in both cases. People often feel the same when you try to convince them of something by analogy, particularly if they feel like you are trying to show that they are wrong by intellectual force rather than just taking them along with you. It took me awhile to adjust to this one: I just felt everyone else was [i]wrong[/i], and at a gut level I still do, and prefer arguing with people who take analogies in a narrow sense. But eventually, in line with the post above, you can’t repeatedly, reliably, have failed communications with the rest of society and consider everyone else to be the aberration.
On the other hand, using such “toxic” comparisons is valuable because due to their very toxicity, everyone believes the same thing about them. You can’t argue “but on those grounds, slurping your soup would be permissible”—after all, some people do think that slurping your soup is permissible, so on those people, the analogy would fail, and some other people have no opinion on soup-slurping and will insist that you prove that it’s not permissible before they’ll accept it in an analogy. Godwin’s Law, which is a variation on this, has a similar problem: often a Hitler comparison is the best kind of comparison to make because everyone agrees about Hitler.
Indeed. Which is why I like having discussions with people who follow the same ruleset as me and engages with metaphors in that pure, stripped-down way. It saves a hell of a lot of time. But there are lots of things that save time in communication that do not make for good communication in general.
Possibly. But since we’re on the topic of empathy, I’d like to emphasize that definitely among the most treasured practices I’ve found is finding a way to understand why what the other person is doing is sensible to them. Even if I can’t see the reason, it’s there. So, it’s really critical to remove every hint of a judgmental tone even from one’s own mind when trying to understand another person. (You can turn it back on later, but while in the process of empathizing it seems to be critical not to evaluate.)
Assuming you’re accurate and this person really can’t “see” metaphors, I think the next question to ask is, “What is it like to experience the world with this metaphor blindness?” Or more generally, “Why does this person’s actions make sense?”
In this respect I take a page from Buddhism. I find that my ability to empathize with others is tremendously greater if I can (a) understand in what sense their negative behavior arises from some kind of suffering and (b) cultivate a wish that they weren’t suffering (which is what many Buddhists mean by “compassion”). I simply don’t do this to “end the karmic cycle of death and rebirth”; instead, I do it because I’ve found that it enriches my life and helps me understand others tremendously better.
For what it’s worth!
Again, in your position, I would ask myself “In what sense does this person’s behavior make sense?” As I wrestle with this question, I know I’ve hit on a viable hypothesis when everything suddenly becomes clear and I no longer feel any sense of judgment or frustration with the person.
In this case, I wonder if you might be conflating two different issues. Empathy is a matter of understanding another person’s experience from their point of view, but it sounds to me like your concern is with the fact that this person doesn’t seem to abide by basic laws of reason. In particular, you say:
It might be that exploring issues rationally isn’t a driving desire for this person like it is for you. If it is—that is, if this person identifies with being reasonable and objective despite not being so from your perspective—then this person’s behavior is a loud signal of their suffering. For instance, the harsh sense of rejection of others as stupid, incompetent, useless, etc. really strikes me as a distancing behavior. The fact that they reject arguments against their arguments as “irrelevant” also seems like a way of choosing to cling to the value of their arguments, as though their sense of self-worth is somehow tied up in their ability to believe those arguments—which, again, seems to suggest a fear of letting others get too close. So the question I would gravitate toward is, “Why does this person need emotional distance from others?”
(Based on way too little information, by the way, I have to wonder if the person you’re describing is an Enneagram type Five at Health Level 6. If so, they’ll also tend to have a nihilistic attitude toward the world, as though nothing really matters. Not depression per se, but a sense of pointlessness to life and a kind of irritation that others are so stupid as to be blind to said pointlessness. They’ll also be driven to impress upon others how intelligent and unusual they are, and will often gleefully share uncomfortable truths that disturb others’ sense of the world being okay. If that doesn’t describe the person to a ‘T’, though, then disregard this suggestion!)
You might find that you have to distinguish between having rational conversations with this person on the one hand and coming to a rational consensus on the other. Someone who uses the cloak of logic to hide from others isn’t likely to be open to logic as a way of opening up to others, so you’re fighting the emotional brain on that one. But if you can “get” why they feel like their distancing behavior makes sense, you might be able to use your understanding to help them relax a little bit and choose courses of action for whatever you’re talking about that make sense. They might need to justify it in weird ways you disagree with, but I think the actions people take are generally more important than the reasons they tell themselves for why those actions make sense.
Does that help?
Seems to me you are facing a person who lacks both logic and imagination, be wary that you don’t commit the fundamental attribution error yourself about her! I too have a relationship with a female who displays the same characteristics you describe.
Ask yourself what’s her buy in for understanding things the way you are presenting them—its plausible that she doesn’t have a buy in, that she believes that accepting what you’ve got to say will in fact lessen/harm her in some way. It’s quite possible that in her life thinking that way has been very useful—are you willing to take that away?
How much patience have you got? It’s a long tough road.
Some things that have worked for me. Occasionally encourage her frustration, even to point of tears, because at that point she is more willing to open her mind to a different way of thinking. It’s truth that in a sense we are manipulating her, from her perspective, who are we to do so, what’s our reason for doing this, you’ll have to have very sure answers for those questions.
Be positive, be consistent, keep showing that there is a difference between how she thinks and who she is, she needs some distance between the mistakes she makes and her self esteem and self efficacy. If she can create that distance for herself, she’ll be more inclined to create that distance for others.
Model the thinking and behaviour you believe is useful, show the benefits—and costs.
Keep in mind that her situation is part of the issue, changing her situation will give her more ability to experience how if situations change people’s responses change, she gets to experience for herself how the fundamental attribution error functions… that’s been the most effective way I’ve helped.