This article made me realize a truth that should’ve been obvious to me a long time ago: the main benefit I get from polyamory is close female friends (where I don’t have to worry about attraction ruining the friendship), sex and romance are secondary.
My easiest time having female friends was in an implicitly monogamous context, when I was married, and my wife and I were exclusive. It was super easy. Like a switch in my brain could just filter out the attraction question. It’s like it was as addressed for all women the way it’s always addressed for all men.
It became way messier when she & I opened up our marriage. Then the sexual dynamic between me and her felt to me like it depended on whether I could find other female partners. I don’t know if she really felt this way! But for me there was a real concern: When we were exclusive, other women not being into me was just expected. But when we were open, I feared other women not being into me was a sign she should focus on mating with other guys.
So there was a sense, for me, of increased pressure that I needed to find more partners even if my wife was the only woman I was interested in!
This increased stress on my female relationships.
Now, in an implicitly poly context, this isn’t a huge problem. “Might we fuck?” is a lot more okay a question to explore.
But it became a question we had to explore, basically every time, at least on my end, at least implicitly.
I now find it’s easier to have friendships with poly women now that I’ve set poly aside… because their being poly puts them out of the market for me.
And none of this is to dismiss your experience! I bet if I were more sexually confident, and happier being poly, I might feel the same way you do.
I feared other women not being into me was a sign she should focus on mating with other guys
When my wife and I just opened up, I did feel jealous quite regularly and eventually realized that the specific thing I was feeling was basically this. It felt like an ego/competitive/status loss thing as opposed to an actual fear of her infidelity or intent to leave me. And then after four years together it went away and never came back.
Now I actually find it kinda fun to not explicitly address “might we fuck?” with some friends, just leave it at the edge of things as a fun wrinkle and a permission to fantasize. A little monogamous frisson, as a treat.
This feeds into my longstanding expectation that the world would be better if everyone were bi- or pan-sexual, polyamorous, openly accepting of these facts, and more self-aware in general so that we could at least all discuss the meta-level rules we’re operating under.
Maybe true, but I think it’s even more likely that the world would be better if everyone were asexual, or at least did not have such a high sex drive that it causes them to do things they don’t endorse
It’s still possible to feel romantic attraction without sexual attraction, and to want kids without wanting the act that created them for its own sake. While not the norm, this is a way I can imagine instantiating the thing Oxytocin suggested.
I actually wonder about the breakdown here. I agree many don’t. I don’t, though really I have few friends in general. But some do. I don’t think there’s very many people in the modern world that are in the extreme Mike Pence “I will never let myself be alone with a woman who isn’t my wife” category of enforcing such boundaries (though some religious communities still have such rules!). But if you watch the start of When Harry Met Sally, I think a sizeable chunk of people do still lean closer to Billy Crystal’s position than Meg Ryan’s.
This article made me realize a truth that should’ve been obvious to me a long time ago: the main benefit I get from polyamory is close female friends (where I don’t have to worry about attraction ruining the friendship), sex and romance are secondary.
FWIW, my experience on this was… mixed.
My easiest time having female friends was in an implicitly monogamous context, when I was married, and my wife and I were exclusive. It was super easy. Like a switch in my brain could just filter out the attraction question. It’s like it was as addressed for all women the way it’s always addressed for all men.
It became way messier when she & I opened up our marriage. Then the sexual dynamic between me and her felt to me like it depended on whether I could find other female partners. I don’t know if she really felt this way! But for me there was a real concern: When we were exclusive, other women not being into me was just expected. But when we were open, I feared other women not being into me was a sign she should focus on mating with other guys.
So there was a sense, for me, of increased pressure that I needed to find more partners even if my wife was the only woman I was interested in!
This increased stress on my female relationships.
Now, in an implicitly poly context, this isn’t a huge problem. “Might we fuck?” is a lot more okay a question to explore.
But it became a question we had to explore, basically every time, at least on my end, at least implicitly.
I now find it’s easier to have friendships with poly women now that I’ve set poly aside… because their being poly puts them out of the market for me.
And none of this is to dismiss your experience! I bet if I were more sexually confident, and happier being poly, I might feel the same way you do.
I’m just offering some counterpoint.
When my wife and I just opened up, I did feel jealous quite regularly and eventually realized that the specific thing I was feeling was basically this. It felt like an ego/competitive/status loss thing as opposed to an actual fear of her infidelity or intent to leave me. And then after four years together it went away and never came back.
Now I actually find it kinda fun to not explicitly address “might we fuck?” with some friends, just leave it at the edge of things as a fun wrinkle and a permission to fantasize. A little monogamous frisson, as a treat.
This feeds into my longstanding expectation that the world would be better if everyone were bi- or pan-sexual, polyamorous, openly accepting of these facts, and more self-aware in general so that we could at least all discuss the meta-level rules we’re operating under.
Uh… maybe?
Or maybe we couldn’t, because we would be too busy trying to impress potential mates (i.e. everyone). :D
Maybe true, but I think it’s even more likely that the world would be better if everyone were asexual, or at least did not have such a high sex drive that it causes them to do things they don’t endorse
Just a reminder that if everyone were asexual, the species would become extinct in short order :).
It’s still possible to feel romantic attraction without sexual attraction, and to want kids without wanting the act that created them for its own sake. While not the norm, this is a way I can imagine instantiating the thing Oxytocin suggested.
It is better to master one’s urges than to either cut them off or be their slave.
Folks generally don’t need polyamory to enjoy this benefit, but I’m glad you get it from that!
I actually wonder about the breakdown here. I agree many don’t. I don’t, though really I have few friends in general. But some do. I don’t think there’s very many people in the modern world that are in the extreme Mike Pence “I will never let myself be alone with a woman who isn’t my wife” category of enforcing such boundaries (though some religious communities still have such rules!). But if you watch the start of When Harry Met Sally, I think a sizeable chunk of people do still lean closer to Billy Crystal’s position than Meg Ryan’s.
Why would attraction ruin the friendship?