Recently I made a post in our kids group
about something Lily (9y) had done that was funny, mischievous, and
also potentially embarrassing. A friend asked whether Lily knew I was
writing about her antics and said they would have felt mortified and a
bit betrayed if this had happened to them at this age.
I think it was really good they asked! While Lily knows I post this
sort of thing in the group, and this time already knew I’d posted this
one (and thought it was funny), the friend didn’t know this.
Kids are in an awkward and vulnerable position, raised by people with
so much easily abused authority, and I’m happy to talk with friends
who think I might be being unfair to my kids.
I also wish raising this kind of concern were more acceptable in
general. The friend phrased their question in a softened and guarded
way and apologized in case it seemed prying, which I do think that was
a reasonable choice given the chances it would be poorly received.
This raises the cost of communicating anything, since it’s more work
to phrase acceptably, and even if ideally phrased some people will
still take offense. Part of my motivation for this post is to make it
clear that I’m open to this kind of feedback, and perhaps encourage
others who are to let their friends know that.
Note that I’m not saying that society’s bar for unsolicited parenting
advice is too low: I think people are often too free to offer advice
without some signal that it’s wanted, and while receiving unsolicited
advice rarely bothers me, many people really don’t like it. Instead,
it’s specifically around noticing that someone may be being unfair to
their child where I’d love to see society move a bit in the direction
of friends speaking up, and parents taking it well when they do.
Flagging Potentially Unfair Parenting
Link post
Recently I made a post in our kids group about something Lily (9y) had done that was funny, mischievous, and also potentially embarrassing. A friend asked whether Lily knew I was writing about her antics and said they would have felt mortified and a bit betrayed if this had happened to them at this age.
I think it was really good they asked! While Lily knows I post this sort of thing in the group, and this time already knew I’d posted this one (and thought it was funny), the friend didn’t know this.
Kids are in an awkward and vulnerable position, raised by people with so much easily abused authority, and I’m happy to talk with friends who think I might be being unfair to my kids.
I also wish raising this kind of concern were more acceptable in general. The friend phrased their question in a softened and guarded way and apologized in case it seemed prying, which I do think that was a reasonable choice given the chances it would be poorly received. This raises the cost of communicating anything, since it’s more work to phrase acceptably, and even if ideally phrased some people will still take offense. Part of my motivation for this post is to make it clear that I’m open to this kind of feedback, and perhaps encourage others who are to let their friends know that.
Note that I’m not saying that society’s bar for unsolicited parenting advice is too low: I think people are often too free to offer advice without some signal that it’s wanted, and while receiving unsolicited advice rarely bothers me, many people really don’t like it. Instead, it’s specifically around noticing that someone may be being unfair to their child where I’d love to see society move a bit in the direction of friends speaking up, and parents taking it well when they do.