it requires rather costly cooperation on the part of the people being asked.
It costs mental effort. Over time practicing that effort develops better social awareness.
It doesn’t cost you money, status or time that you can’t allocate to other tasks.
I’m disinclined to believe without further experience that everybody would be completely blinded by the new compliment and forget about the fact that one’s evading the question kind of implicates something about what one thinks about the haircut in particular…
The point isn’t to blind them. The point is to give them what they are really asking for. They are not asking for an opinion of their haircut, they are asking you for a compliment.
It’s not wrong for you to treat them as having asked for a compliment. Being explicit about the fact that they asked you for a compliment is bad manners but implicitly acknowledging it isn’t.
It completely okay that they know, that you know, that they didn’t want honest feedback. Especially with a woman who really only wants a compliment that shows that you get it in contrast to other men who don’t. It much better than when the woman thinks that you don’t understand her.
Not within certain practical constraints.
When it comes to telling whether people are fishing for compliment or seeking honest feedback, it might seem complicated at first but it’s not asking for the moon.
To learn it you could make the policy of never giving a person who seems to be asking for a compliment the compliment they are looking for. Then you observe their reactions. If they are delighted that you gave them a compliment you were right.
On the other hand if they seem to be annoyed that you evaded their question, you were wrong.
Of course at the beginning you will make mistakes from time to time. Those mistakes allow you to learn. At the moment you don’t try to identify people who are fishing for compliments and that means there’s no learning process with feedback.
Paying honest compliments is much easier for me.
In that case, practice telling more of them. When you do look at the reaction of the other person. If it makes them smile, you win. If it doesn’t you lose. With practice you will get better at reading people to find compliments that make them smile.
MIstakes of telling compliments that don’t move the other person very much are cheap.
Additionally if you are known as a person who gives a lot of compliments the honest feedback that you give will annoy people less because you already have fulfilled your social duty of showing that you care about other people as far as the compliment department goes.
I think introverts often think too much of “what’s the social custom and how can I follow it?” or go down the extreme of pickup artistry but too seldom go the middle way of finding nonstandard behavior that’s completely socially acceptable.
It’s not wrong for you to treat them as having asked for a compliment. Being explicit about the fact that they asked you for a compliment is bad manners but implicitly acknowledging it isn’t. It completely okay that they know, that you know, that they didn’t want honest feedback.
I have to admit that this baffles me, but I’ll take your word for it.
When it comes to telling whether people are fishing for compliment or seeking honest feedback, it might seem complicated at first but it’s not asking for the moon.
Even if we’re talking about that particular aspect, it’s kind of hard and I’m not exactly being showered with data. I don’t actually experience that many people asking for a compliment, do you? Come to think of it, the whole thing may not be as big of an issue. (I know why I have such a strong emotional aversive reaction to it nonetheless.)
I think introverts often think too much of “what’s the social custom and how can I follow it?” or go down the extreme of pickup artistry but too seldom go the middle way of finding nonstandard behavior that’s completely socially acceptable.
I don’t actually experience that many people asking for a compliment, do you?
At the moment not that much. Most of the people with whom a have longer social interactions don’t operate at that level. Few masks but direct talk about psychological needs. Lots of physical contact regardless of the gender of the person I’m interacting with.
On the other hand I know that those interactions are not representative of “normal culture”.
I think I’m basically doing exactly that.
Good. I was not asserting that you aren’t. I don’t know yourself well enough for that.
It costs mental effort. Over time practicing that effort develops better social awareness. It doesn’t cost you money, status or time that you can’t allocate to other tasks.
The point isn’t to blind them. The point is to give them what they are really asking for. They are not asking for an opinion of their haircut, they are asking you for a compliment.
It’s not wrong for you to treat them as having asked for a compliment. Being explicit about the fact that they asked you for a compliment is bad manners but implicitly acknowledging it isn’t.
It completely okay that they know, that you know, that they didn’t want honest feedback. Especially with a woman who really only wants a compliment that shows that you get it in contrast to other men who don’t. It much better than when the woman thinks that you don’t understand her.
When it comes to telling whether people are fishing for compliment or seeking honest feedback, it might seem complicated at first but it’s not asking for the moon.
To learn it you could make the policy of never giving a person who seems to be asking for a compliment the compliment they are looking for. Then you observe their reactions. If they are delighted that you gave them a compliment you were right.
On the other hand if they seem to be annoyed that you evaded their question, you were wrong.
Of course at the beginning you will make mistakes from time to time. Those mistakes allow you to learn. At the moment you don’t try to identify people who are fishing for compliments and that means there’s no learning process with feedback.
In that case, practice telling more of them. When you do look at the reaction of the other person. If it makes them smile, you win. If it doesn’t you lose. With practice you will get better at reading people to find compliments that make them smile.
MIstakes of telling compliments that don’t move the other person very much are cheap. Additionally if you are known as a person who gives a lot of compliments the honest feedback that you give will annoy people less because you already have fulfilled your social duty of showing that you care about other people as far as the compliment department goes.
I think introverts often think too much of “what’s the social custom and how can I follow it?” or go down the extreme of pickup artistry but too seldom go the middle way of finding nonstandard behavior that’s completely socially acceptable.
I have to admit that this baffles me, but I’ll take your word for it.
Even if we’re talking about that particular aspect, it’s kind of hard and I’m not exactly being showered with data. I don’t actually experience that many people asking for a compliment, do you? Come to think of it, the whole thing may not be as big of an issue. (I know why I have such a strong emotional aversive reaction to it nonetheless.)
I think I’m basically doing exactly that.
At the moment not that much. Most of the people with whom a have longer social interactions don’t operate at that level. Few masks but direct talk about psychological needs. Lots of physical contact regardless of the gender of the person I’m interacting with.
On the other hand I know that those interactions are not representative of “normal culture”.
Good. I was not asserting that you aren’t. I don’t know yourself well enough for that.