I do not have detailed memories about how draining it felt when I was young.
But as long as I do remember I have been drained by prolonged social interaction. I often retreat at least a bit. It happens automatically. Even if I enjoy the action.
Independent of my own experiences I’d hazard a guess that needing alone time, preferring being alone and perceiving social interaction as draining are all highly correlated. They have to because they are lumped together by PCA into introversion (at least by Big Five).
I don’t think the goal is just having a relationship. We also care to some extend about quality.
I think the filter reduces relationship quality.
There were times when a girlfriend of me was emotional as a result treated me in a way that she herself doesn’t consider nice. There are two possible responses:
(A) I say “Stop, don’t treat me this way”
(B) I use a tact filter and simply ignore the fact that she’s emotional and doesn’t treat me well
If I do (B) she’s afterwards guilty about having been a person who treated me badly.
If I do (A) she spends less time acting in a way for which she afterwards judges herself.
(A) is also behavior that creates attraction.
I think that it makes sense to work towards being the kind of person who does (A).
Independent of my own experiences I’d hazard a guess that needing alone time, preferring being alone and perceiving social interaction as draining are all highly correlated.
Personality tests are supposed measure traits that aren’t skills.
I think it’s possible to be both good at feeling good alone and feeling good with other people.
It’s possible to be bad at both of them.
I don’t believe in the just-world-hypothesis that people who don’t enjoy one automatically
enjoy the other.
(I use the word “enjoy” vaguely to point in a direction)
I don’t think that personality test tell you about tradeoff. They are not designed for that purpose.
I use a tact filter and simply ignore the fact that she’s emotional and doesn’t treat me well
This seems to point to very different understand of what a tact filter is. I read your sentence as implying that it is an on/off thing. Either information/feelings are let through or not. For me the filter is a more differentiated ‘device’ that e.g. (case outgoing) tones down the intensity or adds compassion or otherwise tries to adapt the message to the receiver—mostly to reduce the emotional impact. Or the incoming case may e.g. interpret messages as exactly lacking these things or information about the sender instead of about the receiver.
I don’t think that personality test tell you about tradeoff. They are not designed for that purpose.
At least the Big Five tests are lexical and thus neither measuring traits nor skills but just adjectives that people use to describe other people. Adjectives that I have to assume are used to describe skills as well as traits (which I’m willing to read to include skills anyway) and other things, history and social. The Wikipedia page lists lots of these. Anyway my guess stands and we can just wait for evidence coming in ;-)
This seems to point to very different understand of what a tact filter is. I read your sentence as implying that it is an on/off thing.
If my girlfriend does something says something not nice, I can mentally say : “Hey, she’s emotional at the moment but that doesn’t mean that she means any harm to me. It’s hormones. Let’s sit through it.” I can do that from a place of compassion without feeling too bad about the interaction.
Alternatively I can connect with the feeling of irritation that arises and assert a boundary. If there a filter there no clear feeling of irritation from which to speak.
It’s basically what I meant above, but above I didn’t put in the details. As a nerd myself that’s a more instinctive response than actually speaking up and asserting boundaries. But I’m fairly certain that asserting boundaries is often the more effective action.
I also think that this lack of this assertion of boundaries is what makes Nice Guys™ unattractive. Woman like guys who are nice in the sense that they give others compliements and improve their surroundings but they find guys who don’t assert boundaries in situations that warrant setting boundaries less attractive.
I do not have detailed memories about how draining it felt when I was young.
But as long as I do remember I have been drained by prolonged social interaction. I often retreat at least a bit. It happens automatically. Even if I enjoy the action.
Independent of my own experiences I’d hazard a guess that needing alone time, preferring being alone and perceiving social interaction as draining are all highly correlated. They have to because they are lumped together by PCA into introversion (at least by Big Five).
I don’t think the goal is just having a relationship. We also care to some extend about quality. I think the filter reduces relationship quality.
There were times when a girlfriend of me was emotional as a result treated me in a way that she herself doesn’t consider nice. There are two possible responses: (A) I say “Stop, don’t treat me this way” (B) I use a tact filter and simply ignore the fact that she’s emotional and doesn’t treat me well
If I do (B) she’s afterwards guilty about having been a person who treated me badly. If I do (A) she spends less time acting in a way for which she afterwards judges herself. (A) is also behavior that creates attraction.
I think that it makes sense to work towards being the kind of person who does (A).
Personality tests are supposed measure traits that aren’t skills. I think it’s possible to be both good at feeling good alone and feeling good with other people. It’s possible to be bad at both of them. I don’t believe in the just-world-hypothesis that people who don’t enjoy one automatically enjoy the other. (I use the word “enjoy” vaguely to point in a direction)
I don’t think that personality test tell you about tradeoff. They are not designed for that purpose.
This seems to point to very different understand of what a tact filter is. I read your sentence as implying that it is an on/off thing. Either information/feelings are let through or not. For me the filter is a more differentiated ‘device’ that e.g. (case outgoing) tones down the intensity or adds compassion or otherwise tries to adapt the message to the receiver—mostly to reduce the emotional impact. Or the incoming case may e.g. interpret messages as exactly lacking these things or information about the sender instead of about the receiver.
At least the Big Five tests are lexical and thus neither measuring traits nor skills but just adjectives that people use to describe other people. Adjectives that I have to assume are used to describe skills as well as traits (which I’m willing to read to include skills anyway) and other things, history and social. The Wikipedia page lists lots of these. Anyway my guess stands and we can just wait for evidence coming in ;-)
If my girlfriend does something says something not nice, I can mentally say : “Hey, she’s emotional at the moment but that doesn’t mean that she means any harm to me. It’s hormones. Let’s sit through it.” I can do that from a place of compassion without feeling too bad about the interaction.
Alternatively I can connect with the feeling of irritation that arises and assert a boundary. If there a filter there no clear feeling of irritation from which to speak.
That is a filter as I understand it. A good one maybe, but a filter.
It’s basically what I meant above, but above I didn’t put in the details. As a nerd myself that’s a more instinctive response than actually speaking up and asserting boundaries. But I’m fairly certain that asserting boundaries is often the more effective action.
I also think that this lack of this assertion of boundaries is what makes Nice Guys™ unattractive. Woman like guys who are nice in the sense that they give others compliements and improve their surroundings but they find guys who don’t assert boundaries in situations that warrant setting boundaries less attractive.
OK. Tapping out.