So I have the typical of introvert/nerd problem of being shy about meeting people one-on-one, because I’m afraid of not being able to come up with anything to say and lots of awkwardness resulting. (Might have something to do with why I’ve typically tended to date talkative people...)
Now I’m pretty sure that there must exist some excellent book or guide or blog post series or whatever that’s aimed at teaching people how to actually be a good conversationalist. I just haven’t found it. Recommendations?
Offline practice: make a habit of writing down good questions you could have asked in a conversation you recently had. Reward yourself for thinking of questions, regardless of how slow you are at generating them. (H/T Dan of Charisma Tips, which has other good tips scattered around that blog).
I saw a speech pathologist for this. I was taught to ask boring questions I’m not really interested in asking on the hopes that they will lead to something interesting happening. “How was your weekend?”, “What are some of your hobbies?”, “How about this weather?”, and all that mess.
In practice, it feels so forced I can’t do it in real life.
Yeah. My problem is more that I can’t think of anything to say even when people do say something interesting.
Like just recently, I met up with one person who wanted to discuss his tech startup thing. Then he held this fascinating presentation about the philosophy and practice of his project, which also touched upon like five other fields that I also have an interest in. And I mostly just said “okay” and nodded, which was fine in the beginning since he was giving me a presentation after all, but then in the end when he asked me if I had any questions or comments, and I didn’t have much to say. There were some questions that occurred to me as he talked about it, and I did ask those when they occurred, but still, feels like I should’ve been able to say a lot more.
Responding to the interesting conversation context.
First, always bring pen a paper to any meeting/presentation that is in anyway formal or professional. Questions always come up at times when it is inappropriate to interrupt, save them for lulls.
Second, an an anecdote. I noticed I had a habit during meetings to focus entirely on absorbing and recording information, and then would process and extrapolate from it after the fact (I blame spending years in the structured undergrad large technical lecture environment). This habit of only listening and not providing feedback was detrimental in the working world, it took a lot of practice to start analyzing the information and extrapolating forward in real time. Once you start extrapolating forward from what you are being told, meaningful feedback will come naturally.
There were some questions that occurred to me as he talked about it, and I did ask those when they occurred, but still, feels like I should’ve been able to say a lot more.
So, I have a comparative advantage at coming up with things to say, and so I’m not sure this advice will fill the specific potholes you’re getting stuck on, but I hope it’s somewhat useful.
A simple technique that seems to work pretty well is read your mind to them, since they can’t read it themselves. If you’re interested in field X, say that you’re interested in it. If you’re glad that they gave you a talk, tell them you’re glad that they gave you a talk. People like getting feedback, and people like getting compliments, and when your mind is blank and there’s nothing asking to be said, that’s a good place to go looking. (Something like “that was very complete; I’ve got no questions” is nicer than just silence, though you may want to tailor it a bit to whatever they’ve just said.)
Have you actually tried it out much, or do you top before you ‘just try it’? I make myself ask questions like that, but I find it can move the conversation into better places… Although I normally use ones I’m likely to be interested in e,g. “Read any good books recently?”
So I have the typical of introvert/nerd problem of being shy about meeting people one-on-one, because I’m afraid of not being able to come up with anything to say and lots of awkwardness resulting. (Might have something to do with why I’ve typically tended to date talkative people...)
Now I’m pretty sure that there must exist some excellent book or guide or blog post series or whatever that’s aimed at teaching people how to actually be a good conversationalist. I just haven’t found it. Recommendations?
Offline practice: make a habit of writing down good questions you could have asked in a conversation you recently had. Reward yourself for thinking of questions, regardless of how slow you are at generating them. (H/T Dan of Charisma Tips, which has other good tips scattered around that blog).
I saw a speech pathologist for this. I was taught to ask boring questions I’m not really interested in asking on the hopes that they will lead to something interesting happening. “How was your weekend?”, “What are some of your hobbies?”, “How about this weather?”, and all that mess.
In practice, it feels so forced I can’t do it in real life.
Yeah. My problem is more that I can’t think of anything to say even when people do say something interesting.
Like just recently, I met up with one person who wanted to discuss his tech startup thing. Then he held this fascinating presentation about the philosophy and practice of his project, which also touched upon like five other fields that I also have an interest in. And I mostly just said “okay” and nodded, which was fine in the beginning since he was giving me a presentation after all, but then in the end when he asked me if I had any questions or comments, and I didn’t have much to say. There were some questions that occurred to me as he talked about it, and I did ask those when they occurred, but still, feels like I should’ve been able to say a lot more.
Responding to the interesting conversation context.
First, always bring pen a paper to any meeting/presentation that is in anyway formal or professional. Questions always come up at times when it is inappropriate to interrupt, save them for lulls.
Second, an an anecdote. I noticed I had a habit during meetings to focus entirely on absorbing and recording information, and then would process and extrapolate from it after the fact (I blame spending years in the structured undergrad large technical lecture environment). This habit of only listening and not providing feedback was detrimental in the working world, it took a lot of practice to start analyzing the information and extrapolating forward in real time. Once you start extrapolating forward from what you are being told, meaningful feedback will come naturally.
So, I have a comparative advantage at coming up with things to say, and so I’m not sure this advice will fill the specific potholes you’re getting stuck on, but I hope it’s somewhat useful.
A simple technique that seems to work pretty well is read your mind to them, since they can’t read it themselves. If you’re interested in field X, say that you’re interested in it. If you’re glad that they gave you a talk, tell them you’re glad that they gave you a talk. People like getting feedback, and people like getting compliments, and when your mind is blank and there’s nothing asking to be said, that’s a good place to go looking. (Something like “that was very complete; I’ve got no questions” is nicer than just silence, though you may want to tailor it a bit to whatever they’ve just said.)
Thanks, that sounds potentially useful.
Have you actually tried it out much, or do you top before you ‘just try it’? I make myself ask questions like that, but I find it can move the conversation into better places… Although I normally use ones I’m likely to be interested in e,g. “Read any good books recently?”