Could we be doing a better job of emphasizing Shikamaru’s rationality?
If by this you mean “should we be emphasizing it more”, then no, I’d tone it down.
If you mean “is there room for improvement in the way in which we emphasize”, then I’d suggest trying to use phrasings either idiomatic to a baseline audience, or developing naturally from the context you present. Avoid using the kind of technical jargon you’re used to using when you think about these things.
For example, consider the following:
“ASUMA!” he screamed. He hesitated, his body wanted to run toward Asuma, to get there.
To get there right now.
No! It’s an emotional bias! A voice in his head said. What just happened matters, but reacting to it, as if it’s impact were bigger than anything else happening right now, would that be logical? Do you want to cause Asuma’s death by reacting to how you feel in the moment? You can still save him! But only if you survive- only if you incapacitate your enemies first! You don’t even have to kill them, just render them momentarily immobile!
He took a deep breath, his lungs shuddering as his body continued weeping, though the part of Shikamaru that mattered had stopped.
He tried to ignore all the voices inside that were calling him a coward, a loser, a traitor for not going to help Asuma right now, before he was already dead.
Instead of fighting the feelings, use them, said Rational Bloodlust. How you feel can serve rationality too!
“YOU BASTARD!” Shikamaru screamed at Hidan.
The prose would be better served by something like this:
“Asuma!” he screamed. He hesitated, his body wanted to run toward Asuma, to get there.
To get there right now.
No, came the voice in his head. That is not the way to save him. Rushing in blindly is not strategy. The rules don’t change just because the stakes are real. Do you want to save him? Then think.
If he ran to Asuma, Kakuzu would kill him, and then Asuma would die. If he attacked Kakuzu or Hidan, Kakuzu would kill him, and then Asuma would die. If he ran away, he might escape, but Asuma would die. He couldn’t think straight, because Asuma was going to die. He was a coward, a loser, a traitor, Asuma wasn’t dead yet, he should be going to help him, right now, he --
Shikamaru took a deep breath, his lungs shuddering. He couldn’t stop himself weeping.
But…
Full inventory. He could use anything.
“You bastard!” Shikamaru screamed at Hidan.
(My tactical analysis might not be accurate, but I think you get the general idea.)
I agree with you on clearer introductions to characters. I’ll talk to the author about how best to accomplish this. Do you have any suggestions, yourself?
Don’t start in medias res when the scene has more than about two or three major characters, it’s the first chapter so everybody’s new, and all the characters have foreign names that are hard for non-natives to keep straight. Start about five minutes earlier, establish the setting (and tactical terrain), give us some banter so we get an idea of what kind of people all of them are, and so forth. Four paragraphs or so should do it.
Okay. We’ve taken your advice to be less technical to heart, Pavitra, and we’ve decided to move forward with a reboot starting at the beginning of the Naruto series as the solution to clearer introductions to characters (and clearer introductions to the world of Naruto in general).
If by this you mean “should we be emphasizing it more”, then no, I’d tone it down.
If you mean “is there room for improvement in the way in which we emphasize”, then I’d suggest trying to use phrasings either idiomatic to a baseline audience, or developing naturally from the context you present. Avoid using the kind of technical jargon you’re used to using when you think about these things.
For example, consider the following:
The prose would be better served by something like this:
(My tactical analysis might not be accurate, but I think you get the general idea.)
Don’t start in medias res when the scene has more than about two or three major characters, it’s the first chapter so everybody’s new, and all the characters have foreign names that are hard for non-natives to keep straight. Start about five minutes earlier, establish the setting (and tactical terrain), give us some banter so we get an idea of what kind of people all of them are, and so forth. Four paragraphs or so should do it.
Okay. We’ve taken your advice to be less technical to heart, Pavitra, and we’ve decided to move forward with a reboot starting at the beginning of the Naruto series as the solution to clearer introductions to characters (and clearer introductions to the world of Naruto in general).