I’m a bit torn regarding the “predicting how others react to what you say or do, and adjust accordingly” part. On the one hand this is very normal and human and makes sense. It’s kind of predictive empathy in a way. On the other hand, thinking so very explicitly about it and trying to steer your behavior in a way so as to get the desired reaction out of another person also feels a bit manipulative and inauthentic. If I knew another person would think that way and plan exactly how they interacted with me, I would find that quite off-putting. But maybe the solution is just “don’t overdo it”, and/or “only use it in ways the other person would likely consent to” (such as avoiding to accidentally say something hurtful).
I can understand that feeling. I currently disagree with it, but I think I understand it.
Lots of people seem to do something like this on intuition. Some people don’t. Take the “why do you care about something boring like horses?” example. What do you say to someone who makes that kind of mistake?
“Did you mean to make them upset?” “No.”
“Did you think about how they would react to you calling their interest boring?” “No. I didn’t mean to call it boring.”
“If you think about it, do you understand how they interpreted what you said as calling their interest boring?” “Yeah, that makes sense.”
“Did you think about how they would interpret what you said before you said it?” “Not really.”
“Can you think about how someone will interpret what you say before you say it next time?” “Yeah, I can do that.”
I say please and thank you when asking for a dish at the table. I worked out what kinds of raised voice parses as anger, and don’t use it unless I’m actually angry- and even then, I try to say calmly that something makes me angry rather than yell at people. There are countless small touches in how we phrase things and how we hold ourselves that help everyone feel better about social interactions, and some people genuinely do not do those things automatically. I think it’s better to do them by explicitly thinking about it rather than not do them at all.
You can overdo this, leading to complicated webs of half-truths and things needing to be said just right, and I think that can be bad. You can also overdo this and leave yourself an anxious wreck, overindexed on whether anything you say or do will make people upset with you. But for people who don’t do the thing, and who are regularly running into people getting mad at them? Yeah, I think it’s worth taking some time and energy to practice this.
I’m a bit torn regarding the “predicting how others react to what you say or do, and adjust accordingly” part. On the one hand this is very normal and human and makes sense. It’s kind of predictive empathy in a way. On the other hand, thinking so very explicitly about it and trying to steer your behavior in a way so as to get the desired reaction out of another person also feels a bit manipulative and inauthentic. If I knew another person would think that way and plan exactly how they interacted with me, I would find that quite off-putting. But maybe the solution is just “don’t overdo it”, and/or “only use it in ways the other person would likely consent to” (such as avoiding to accidentally say something hurtful).
I can understand that feeling. I currently disagree with it, but I think I understand it.
Lots of people seem to do something like this on intuition. Some people don’t. Take the “why do you care about something boring like horses?” example. What do you say to someone who makes that kind of mistake?
I say please and thank you when asking for a dish at the table. I worked out what kinds of raised voice parses as anger, and don’t use it unless I’m actually angry- and even then, I try to say calmly that something makes me angry rather than yell at people. There are countless small touches in how we phrase things and how we hold ourselves that help everyone feel better about social interactions, and some people genuinely do not do those things automatically. I think it’s better to do them by explicitly thinking about it rather than not do them at all.
You can overdo this, leading to complicated webs of half-truths and things needing to be said just right, and I think that can be bad. You can also overdo this and leave yourself an anxious wreck, overindexed on whether anything you say or do will make people upset with you. But for people who don’t do the thing, and who are regularly running into people getting mad at them? Yeah, I think it’s worth taking some time and energy to practice this.